Little Lady with an Opinion ... About Everything!

Let's talk about sex, baby

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 14:24:00 -0400

I’ve always felt that there are 3 main topics that no one will ever truly agree on: Sex, Religion & Politics. That being said, I’ve decided to “go there” as it pertains to sex!

On Monday nite my husband & I were laying in bed chit chatting & somehow our sex life came up. So this little lady went where no woman should ever go & I asked the all encumbering question of “on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate me?” That’s just as bad as asking “do these jeans make me look fat?” However, I’m not your average girl & I prefer the cold, hard, ugly truth so when I ask a question I want a real fucken answer. Well, I sure enough got an answer, but not the one I was expecting. Are you ready to hear what he said?!? He said (and I quote) “You’re a 7 or an 8. On your lazy days you’re about a 3 or a 4.” WHAT?!?!?!? The logical side of me appreciated his honesty, but the girly emotional side of me wondered what the hell was keeping me from being a 10 in his eyes. (I also love how he threw out 2 numbers for each scale, but c’mon, you know I only heard the lower of the 2.) Bro, I’m his wife! So does that mean I should be an automatic 10? Yes! No, I’m just kidding. Nothing should ever be automatic especially when it comes to matters of the heart or, in this case, the vagina. I want to earn that 10 & not just be given a pass because he put a ring on it. And here I thought we had this amazing sex life, but all of that was diminished the minute he put up those figures. Okay, I’m being overly dramatic now. :)

So what makes anyone a 10? Or a 9? By the way, I would’ve been happy with a 9. I think there are many different things that have to be taken into consideration when judging someone sexually & then putting a number on how good or bad they are. Since I can only speak for myself, I’ll give you a glimpse into my sex-o-meter scale. First things first, kissing!! I’ve always lived by the rule of “if you can’t kiss, you can’t fuck.” Plain & simple. The rule says it all &, therefore, needs no further explanation. Kissing is the catalyst or the jump off, if you will, for the sexual escapade that’s about to take place. If he can’t get that right what makes you think he’s gonna be able to find the sweet spot? He probably won’t so, next! Now I know most ladies look forward to foreplay because this is when you get to be ravished, but sometimes I find it to be overrated. There are moments when you just want to pushed up against a wall or thrown on the bed & taken right then & there. No speaking, just action … pure, unadulterated, carnal SEX. (and that, ladies & gentlemen, would be considered a 10!) But don’t get it twisted guys, foreplay is almost always necessary because us women don’t get our kitty purring that easily. We are creatures that need to be mentally stimulated in bed so that means “you gotta lick it before you stick it”. Or something along those lines, if you follow my gist. Alas, I’ve saved the best for last!! The actual act of sex, love making, banging … whatever you choose to label it as. Let’s explore what each of those labels mean to me real quick.

Sex is just that: sex. It’s a means to an end. You’re looking to get off, no more no less. That’s the K.I.M. business (keep it movin’) or a quickie. It’s still good no matter what way you look at it because you’re getting what you want out of it & if you’re not, well then you’re doing it wrong!

Love making is sensual & you don’t necessarily have to be in love with the person, but rather have a passion for them. It’s fiery, romantic, lascivious and all those other great synonyms!!! This particular form of sex should be reserved for special occasions or when you wanna bring out the big guns & blow someone away because it should never be taken for granted. I think you bare your soul in the art of love making & I don’t make a habit of showing it too often because then it becomes under appreciated. Feel me?!?

Banging sounds so horrible, but I think it’s just gotten a bad rap. That shit is erotic! Sometimes it feels good to simply get fucked, even if you don’t climax. There’s no rule that says you have to orgasm every single time you have a sexual adventure. Being penetrated can be just as good as any orgasm or at least that’s my opinion.

Have I been too vulgar? Good, my goal was to be controversial & arousing at the same time. With all that being said, there are many factors that go into handing out a simple number on a scale of 1 to 10. Few guys know how to do all of the above with expert skill & these few are an automatic 10, maybe even some plus signs (++) thrown in there too. Others got 1 or 2 down pat so their score may be anywhere from the 4 to 8 zone, this depends on how proficient they are at either or both. We all know a good cunnilingus can make a man’s score change at any given time! Meaning, he might not be all that with his apparatus, but he’s got talent with that tongue so he may have potentially been a 4, but now he’s a 6.

I bet most of you are wondering how my husband ranks in all of this &, if you must know, my Daddy is a certifiable 10. I can hear the audible moans now, but seriously I’m not bullshitting (trust me, he told me I was full of caca too). What makes him a 10 is the fact that not only is he at “expert level” (in my eyes), but through out the years we’ve perfected what works for us. Also, the love we have for each other adds to that number. Truth be told, he wasn’t that good the very first time we had relations & I told him so right after, but then he redeemed himself a few hours later. In his defense, we were pretty tore up so that’s why I granted him another go at it. Even on his laziest days he’s still, at least, a 6. See that honey, I only gave you ONE number each time because I don’t teeter on the fence buddy!

I never got a definitive reason as to why my number is what it is, but if I can speak frankly I think it should be a 9. I know what I’m doing in bed, shit I’m a pro at this. I was built for sex. I may not go all out every single time we hit it, but after being together for 6 1/2 years I think I’ve more than earned my stripes & put it on him enough to be considered a 9! Wouldn’t you agree?? j/k

I hope after reading this I’ve inspired you to go home & try to prove your number to your significant other or, at best, help change your rating with whoever you have in your rotation at the moment (lover, booty call, etc).

“I wanna own you, I wanna consume you! Get all molecular & pass myself through you.” — Melanie Fiona

Sexually charged,

Frank Ocean: Not So Deep

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 12:17:26 -0400

I’ve been meaning to listen to Frank Ocean’s new album for quite some time now & I have to say that I regret wasting my entire drive to work on such nonsense. I’ve NEVER fast forwarded through songs on any album I’ve ever listened to, but I found myself hitting that button 3 times!!! There were at least 4 intro’s/outro’s mixed in with this “album”, which says you have no substance so you have to use fillers. I was trying really hard to relate to at least one of the songs, but he was singing about how he feels uncomfortable around rich kids, someone smoking crack rock in abandoned houses & how peaches, mangoes & limes make a sweet life. What’s even more shocking to me is that he’s written songs for John Legend, Beyonce & Justin Bieber. The last 2 I can understand, but John Legend?!? Not John Legend!!!!

I’m open to all kinds of music. However comma I just can’t deal with shitty shit. I’m sorry con permiso, but I don’t get the hype that surrounded this guy. I feel dumber for having listened to Channel Orange. That’s all!

“Music is to the soul what words are to the mind” — Modest Mouse

All the "Little" things I loathe

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 14:34:00 -0400

Hate is such a strong word, no? That’s why I chose loathe instead. It has a nicer ring to it, don’t you agree? If you don’t, you probably won’t wanna read this blog & in that case: move along! But I bet you will because I’ve already piqued your interest by the catchy-ness of title.

This particular blog was born from my proclivity to always proclaim “I hate it when __________” or “I hate _________”, so in one of my “I hate” moments in the car with my husband I told him I was going to blog about all these things & just update it periodically as I come across some other things that I find an abomination.

Please note that these are in no particular order & I’m numbering them so I can keep track of my hatefulness. :)

This little lady hates / loathes / despises / dislikes:

1. Waking up early in the morning unless it’s the weekend or I have the day off from work.

2. Stupid people

3. Bad drivers. I’ve come up with a pretty nifty solution & that’s to create a device that monitors your driving & if you’re shitty then you’ll be placed in a separate lane with all the other shitty drivers! Boom, problem solved & you can all drive each other crazy instead of us normal, good drivers.

4. People who can’t spell or use proper grammar. Get a dictionary/thesaurus yo!

5. Snobs

6. Child abusers

7. Cockroaches!!! This should really be #1, but since I posted that disclaimer I can’t change it now. I seriously get sweaty palms & my heart starts racing whenever I see one. They’re like totally gross & any “thing” that can squeeze through a fucken crack just ain’t right. That shit ain’t right son.

8. Chics who rock open toe’d shoes or sandals without a pedicure. Por favor, keep those talons covered up. And use some damn lotion on your feet before you go to bed if you can’t afford a pedicure. Also, a little cuticle oil wouldn’t hurt either.

9. Liars

10. Tickets / Moving Violations

11. When my husband jumps to turn over in the bed instead of simply rolling over. He succeeds in shaking the entire damn bed, waking me up & sometimes scaring the buh-JESUS out of me.

12. Close minded people. In the words of En Vogue “Free your mind & the rest will follow!”

13. People who take of their shoes while they’re eating in a restaurant or sit Indian style. My Dad always told me that if you get into the habit of doing that home that you’ll take it with you in public. Guess he was right!

14. Insomnia … I can’t get no sleep.

15. Burpees

16. Any form of cardio that’s not sex!

17. NSF bank fees. I’ve come to the conclusion that Bank of America is run by thieves.

18. Twitter. I’ve really tried, but I just can’t seem to get into it. It just looks so boring & a bit messy with all the stuff in the feed. Blah!

Mean Girls (see: Stank Bitches)

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 13:41:41 -0400

I thought that maybe “sleeping on it” would make me feel better about what happened last night, but turns out: IT DIDN’T! I’m actually more fucken pissed off now that I had a chance to marinate. Okay, okay so let me start at the very beginning because as Julie Andrews said it’s a “very good place to start!!” I was all excited about finally seeing Dirty South (fuck you, no I haven’t ever seen him … yes, it’s just one guy) so I was even more excited that Daddy (my husband) was down to hit up LIV for this little excursion. Now, if you’ve ever been to LIV you know that this club gets ridiculously packed on a Wednesday nite & the only way to roll is to be posted up on top of the couches in the V.I.P. section, which is exactly where this little lady planted her happy ass. This would turn out to be the undoing of my entire nite. Picture it: it’s about 12:45am, the club is still filling up at that point & the section we’re in still has actual breathing room so this one girl comes & sits up on the top of the couches, like me, doesn’t even bother to try & assume to be friendly or offer a mere “hello” or smile in my direction, but then she DEMANDS; “can you move over”. Mind you, the entire section we’re sitting on still has more than enough room to comfortably fit about 6 chicas & this heffer is by herself!!! Okay, no problem, I scoot my “happy” ass over about 3 inches so as to accommodate girl with the ugly jacket. All of sudden 2 of her homegirls roll up, clamber their way up to where we’re sitting & the one who looks like Big Ang from Mob Wives proceeds to stab my big toe with her heel. There was no apology that followed that toe massacre, but what she did do was lean her big ass nose & body across me to greet some people who were to my left. Again, no apology or excuse me … she just leaned on me like I was non-existent. At this point I’m having an internal dialogue that went something like this: “Andrea, just relax. Maybe she didn’t see you, maybe it’s dark in here, maybe she didn’t feel her heel going into the meaty part of your toe, maybe she didn’t feel your big ass tits that she just leaned across ..” Maybe I was trying to talk myself out of punching this cunt in the throat, just maybe! Oh but it gets better my friends. So I now have a close eye on this bitch trio because a nosy ho like me needs to know what the fuck they’re up to. I watched them shit talk about every girl in the section (including me), hijack 2 of the Grey Goose bottles (one of which ended up in the corner behind girl with the ugly jacket) & 2 of them spilled countless contents of their drinks on my bare legs. I truly don’t mind the shit talking because I’m more than guilty of it, but these FUGLY skanks were trying to act all brand new. Bro, at least when I’m chilling in VIP I make friends with the people around me, but these bitches just thought they were extra special & were complete whores. Not to mention that they weren’t all that pretty to begin with … that might explain why they were so wretched. And I swear I’m not being a “hater”, they really weren’t that cute. My husband is eyeing me through the girls asses that are now in my face & he can see that something is amiss so he comes to sit next to me to assess the situation. When I start to explain to him what I’ve endured for the past hour he just poo-poo’s my tale of woe & says that I need to lighten up, or something to that affect. (I would like to point out that some dude we just met was having the same problem on his side of the VIP section, only it was coming from another guy…. well, he wasn’t wearing heels or shit talking about other chics, but he was being a complete asshole). Yeah, so back to my non-supportive hubby who only succeeded in aggravating me even more (has he learned nothing in the past 6 years of our union?!?), but, again, I have another internal dialogue that goes like this: “ANDREA, STOP BEING A BITCH & TRY TO HAVE FUN IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT THESE HEFFERS HAVE NOW SLOWLY INCHED YOU OFF THE SPOT YOU ORIGINALLY CLAIMED BEFORE ANY OF THEM GOT THERE & ONE OF THEM HAS BUMPED YOU IN THE HEAD AT LEAST 5 TIMES WITH HER PURSE BECAUSE SHE INSISTS ON STANDING ON TOP OF THE COUCHES TO SHAKE HER NON-EXISTENT ASS!!” I’m sorry, but I was screaming because a) it was super loud in the club & b) I was trying to talk some sense into myself.

To add insult to injury, fire to to flame, salt on the wound … 2 other girls jump up on the couch, right in front of me, & just stood there gyrating their hips inches from my beautiful eyes. At least the one with the black & white dress had a decent ass so I didn’t mind her so much. What I did mind was the fact that neither one of them had the decency to at least say “Hey, is it okay if I shake what my Mama gave me right in your site of view, you know, since I’m going to be standing in such a way that I prohibit any & all thoughts you had of trying to see Dirty South while he spins?” I’ve never wanted to leave a club so badly as I did at that moment, but I saw that Daddy & Chicken Little were having such a great time so I was NOT going to be the party pooper, which I pointed out to my husband (just so I could have that shit to use on him at a later date). I was also secretly hoping that one of these girls would topple over on the couch & make my nite, but it didn’t happen. I even contemplated “accidentally” shoving one of them, but that didn’t happen either.

When we got in the car & I recounted my miserable time to my husband he said that I was being a bitch earlier in the evening so I was just destined to not have a good time … pfffft, feck you sir & the horse you rode in on! So what was the highlight of my nite you ask (besides leaving)????? There was someone decked out in this get up that looked like a Robo-Cop / Iron Man looking thingy, on stilts, & it was all lit up!!! Shyeah, totally made my exit from the club much more memorable. I need a re-do, ctrl-alt-delete, shake of the etch-a-sketch of Dirty South.

Alright, so in true Mean Girl fashion I wish that those girls have an itch they can’t scratch & a brain freeze that lasts for about 10 minutes (anything more than that would just be cruel, right?)

“You act like arrogance is a virtue.”

“I might be drunk, but you’re ugly & tomorrow I’ll be sober.”

Yours,

Help them get their feet back on the ground

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 13:57:06 -0400

My normal morning routine is to watch/listen to Channel 7 news while I’m getting ready for work & one story they featured today is what motivated this blog. Have you ever been so far down & out that you wondered just how you’re going to pay your bills, feed your family, etc.? Well, there’s a special website that caters to people who need help & those who wish to donate. I know, pretty fucken fantastic right?!? You can set up a profile as a donor, business, charity or an individual in need. It’s kinda like Facebook, but with a much better purpose.

Back when I was a single Mom I had quit my job because I worked for a conniving, lying, lunatic &, ethically, I just couldn’t take one more day there, but I made sure that she would approve me for unemployment (I had to sign a confidentiality agreement before I left, but refused to sign it until she put in writing that she would grant me unemployment) & I was living off of $1,000 a month. Mind you, I was making about triple that amount a month so things got real rough. I learned how to finagle my finances by cutting back on everything. I was down to the absolute bare necessities & that was rent, power & food. Thankfully, my son wasn’t at the age where he was in school yet, but I can’t tell you how many peanut butter & jelly or tuna sandwiches I ate during those months! We also took the bus everywhere … however, that was actually the fun part because I tried to make it an adventure for us. If only one of these websites had existed back then maybe our quality of life would’ve been different, although (I hate to sound so cliche but I’m gonna go there) if it weren’t for that struggle I would never appreciate all the awesomeness that has become my life today!

The name of the website is www.helpcup.org … pay it forward man! One day the shoe may be on the other foot & I sure do hope it’s a designer one.

“We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.” - Ronald Reagan

Yours,

In our family portrait we look pretty happy ...

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 13:24:52 -0400

The title to my blog should be a clue as to the journey we’re about take. I’m sure many of us come from broken homes & we somehow think ours takes the cake … but seriously, I’ve yet to meet anyone who had to live with Mommy Dearest. Yes, I’m talking Joan Crawford, no more wire hangers, waking you up in the middle of the nite to clean the bathroom type shit. That was my home!

I’ve been debating on whether or not to write this blog for a few months now because of the sensitive subject, but it’s my story & maybe someone out there can relate.

From a very young age I’ve always felt that my Mom did a really good job of destroying anything good in my life. She would drag us to custody court hearings & did whatever she could to make my Dad look like a piece of shit. However, he didn’t really help matters. Now that I’m older I can see some of the other side, but I just wish he had fought harder for us. At that time we were his only blood daughters yet we were treated like the step-kids. The fights over money, the physical abuse from both our Mom & step-mom were just ridiculous. I felt like some fucken pawn piece in their crazy little chess game. But no matter what, I still stood up for my Dad .. until that one day where he promised to come get us & I waited for hours in the hallway with my bags packed. I remember my sister saying “Dad’s not coming” & I yelled back “Yes he is!” My heart was forever broken & from that day forward I never trusted a word he said. The quiet hate inside me just grew. I always wondered what I did wrong & why he loved his new kids more than me. But it’s so much more complicated than that. However, I wouldn’t find that out until about 3 years ago. It took more than half of my life to put these pieces back together &, truth be told, there are still HUGE holes in that puzzle. I wonder if I’ll ever know, but I find comfort in the fact that when the time is right everything will come to the surface. I remember hearing the song ‘Family Portrait’ by Pink & this one part conveyed exactly how I felt about this whole situation:

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better. Daddy please don’t leave! .. I know that she hurts you, but remember I love you too”

Growing up in a home of abuse can either make or break you. Thankfully, this little lady don’t break! For as long as I can remember there was always some sort of corporal punishment being administered to one of us kids. We were made to stand in a corner to the point of exhaustion (I actually fell down from how long I had been standing in that particular corner!), kneel on uncooked rice, do push up’s on our knuckles on the hard, cold tile … my parents even had a special paddle made that was wrapped in black electrical tape, you know, for good measure. My step-dad was old school Cuban, but my Mom, well she was just white girl Italian crazy. This is a woman who could mentally, physically, & verbally berate you to the point where you just wanted to kill a bitch! On top of that she was obsessed with cleanliness, so on any given day you could come home to find that she had dumped all your drawers & closet contents into the middle of your room & she would emphatically exclaim ” your room isn’t clean, NOW PUT IT BACK TOGETHER!” Bro, we even had a towel folding session. There was even a time where she had come home at 2am (or some ungodly hour) & declared that we hadn’t washed & dried the dishes properly so she proceeded to wake our happy asses up & make us wash, dry & put back every single thing in every single cupboard in the kitchen. Ah yes, those drunken rages of hers were quite spectacular. I was beaten so severely by her, when I was in 6th grade, that I had to wear turtlenecks & pants to school for about a week. And all because I sneaked clothes to school (uniforms weren’t mandatory, but she, of course, made me wear them!)

However, I think what got me the most was the hateful, awful things she would spew during her infamous rants. They ranged from “you’re stupid, you’ll never amount to anything, you’re nothing but a whore, you weren’t supposed to be born, etc.” The pinnacle to the insanity was when she actually put a knife up to my sister & threatened to cut her breasts off .. all because she had worked herself into some jealous rage. I will never understand what drives a person to physically harm their own child. I find it demeaning & disrespectful to put your hands on your kid in a fit of anger.

Now don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of good times in my childhood despite all this locura & when I tell you that Christmas morning looked like Santa had set up shop in our house, that’s putting it mildly. But I always felt as if we were being bought off. It’s like Christmas was our reward for putting up with all her demented shenanigans. I would love to remember any semblance of normalcy we had growing up, but I carry such hurt from all the damage she did, so those “good” memories just fade in the distance & give way to the senseless shit.

This story runs deeper than I care to dictate, but I find it cathartic to write. I also want to convey the fact that I turned out quite remarkable despite being a product of such a shattered home. I’ve never let what’s happened to me mandate the outcome of my life, but rather seen it as a blueprint for how I currently raise my son. I don’t put him down, I build him up. I point out that no dream is too small or big. I emphasize what an incredible Dad he has. I tell him I love him every single day even when I’m mad at him. However, the most triumphant part is that I’m not repeating history & I’m SHOWING my son what it is to grow up in a normal, loving home. That, my friends, is the cream cheese icing on the cake!! Thanks for letting me share :)

“Once upon a time there was a girl,

In her early years she had to learn

How to grow up living in a war that she called home,

Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm.”

Desarrollo de desayuno

Wed, 23 May 2012 12:41:46 -0400

When was the last time you paid $8.75 for a sandwich?!? When the waitron nonchalantly laid down the bill & I saw that price for an omelette sandwich I almost had a melt down. Well, if you ask my husband he would definitely say I had a full blown melt down, but fuck me … $8.75????? I just couldn’t let this slide, much to the Mr.’s embarrassment. Now before I went off on the window lady I did some 007 work & perused the menu to get an idea of what their pricing structure was. The desayuno (breakfast for my gringo friends) special is $5.95 & you can get scrambled eggs with some kind of meat, tostada, hashbrowns or fries AND a cafe con leche. So why the fuck are they charging me $8.75 for the same thing minus the cafe con leche? Did I pay for extra for them having to place the eggs inside the bread & put it in that tin foil laden bread smasher thingy?? Oh no, according to window pane there’s a $1 charge per extra ingredient (ham & swiss cheese). Que que? So on the desayuno special I can get the meat included in the cost, but when I want a sandwich I have to pay extra for it? AND I don’t get a cafe con leche? AND I’m paying $2.80 more? I’m no mathematician, but something doesn’t jive here. I was ‘splaining this to window lady & this numb nuts was looking at me like I had sprouted an extra head … I could see that it wasn’t computing in her pint sized brain. I wanted so badly to argue my case but, when under pressure, my Spanish speaking skills diminish & my point gets lost. My vernacular is much better in English & I get to use smart sounding big words, which we all know helps when you’re trying to negotiate an $8.75 sandwich! I also had my non-confrontational husband shrinking beside me on the bench & I’m sure he was thinking “I just wanted an omelette sandwich & this bitch is about to ruin it!” It’s okay, he can call me a bitch in his head.

So we left, minus the cafe con leche, but next time I promise not to go down so easily. I’ll use verbs in the wrong context & add o’s to the end of words to get my point across, but dammit I will NEVER pay $8.75 for an omelette sandwich EVER again.

FUCK YOU LATIN AMERICA CAFE … ON PINES BLVD.

50 Shades of Crazy

Thu, 17 May 2012 12:44:11 -0400

*** SPOILER ALERT: For those who haven’t started reading I disclose some important parts, but not in great detail so read at your own risk ***

It finally happened. I succumbed to the hype & started reading 50 Shades of Grey last night. I stayed up until 3am reading the first 12 chapters & here’s my take thus far —- first, I’ve come to realize that just about every woman is an undercover ho/freak. I can’t tell you how many FB posts & tweets I’ve seen from women singing their praises for this Adonis character. I know I’m only 12 chapters into a trilogy pero homeboy is a serious masochist, a cold, calculating asshole at times & the only thing I find remotely attractive about him is his looks & maybe just a little of his power. And, ladies, I’d like to point out that Mr. Christian Grey has copper hair & gray eyes so stop posting photos of dudes with black hair & blue eyes!

Okay, so Mr. Grey has some serious Daddy/Mommy issues & comes off, so far, as a deeply troubled soul. Hence the reason for his need to be so domineering, but he obviously has some kind of heart under all that steel because it’s apparent he’s smitten with Anastasia. BUT, hold the motherfucken pay phone for a second Superman … did he just ask her to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement prior to them engaging in any type of coitus?!? AND give her a contract describing what Dominant & Submissive will and won’t do (safe words & all)?!? She’s basically being asked to enter into a Master/Slave relationship. which is to last for 3 months, wherein he has full power over her. He has a “playroom”, which I will leave that to your imagination, but I will point out that Anastasia calls it the “Red Room of Pain.” Yeah, how about no. The only part of the contract that I actually like & would concede to is the personal trainer 4 times a week, him buying me clothes & lingerie & paying for beauty salon services, but that would make me somewhat of an escort, right?! Not that I have a problem with that, just pointing out the obvious.

So skip ahead a chapter or two here & they get their freak on. What’s the clincher you ask? She’s a 21 year old virgin, has never masturbated yet she has her first orgasm from him playing with her nipples alone. Then she goes on to have 2 more orgasms via penetration (rough penetration on the first one I might add, which she likes despite the fact that she’s tighter than a vacuum packed jar) Oh & then this little virgin is all of sudden a fellatio expert. I ain’t buying it sister! I’m calling shenanigan’s on this whole first encounter.

Anywho, it’s definitely an interesting read although the author’s prose could use some variety because she overly uses the words hitch/hitched, holy crap, oh crap & oh my. I have to admit that I now must know how this story ends & I’m sure I’ll be writing a few more blogs as I get deeper into the grey area.

“Reading will give you lasting pleasure” — Laura Bush

How do you own disorder?

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 11:57:00 -0400

Let me preface this blog by saying that I’m NOT political in any sense of the word. I just try to keep up with current events, if you will, so pardon my ignorance in the following rant. In the absence of my satellite radio subscription in my car, I’ve been reduced to listening to talk radio 610 WIOD … wait … when the hell did I become such an old fart that I actually ENJOY listening to talk radio while I’m driving?!? Even I surprise the hell out of myself sometimes!

Anyway, so for weeks I’ve been listening to the idiocracy of Glenn Beck every morning and, even though, at times he seems to make some sort of sense he somehow manages to take about 50 steps back with one of his Baptist preacher-like proclamations about how our nation is about to completely go under & you must save yourself, yada, yada, yada … he must be cousins with Chicken Little because dude lives under a perpetually falling sky.

This particular morning he was bashing Al Sharpton for his sudden change of heart with the whole Trayvon Martin issue. Now that charges have been filed against Zimmerman, Al Sharpton has now begun to talk about love & peace (in the very beginning he wasn’t so nice about how he felt this situation should’ve been handled), which Glenn Beck seems to have a problem with because, at the onset of this tragedy, Sharpton was, of course, on his racial soap box. I, in no way, condone most of Al Sharpton’s actions and I too believe that many times he’s the first one in line to beat that racial card to death, BUT I have to call a spade a spade in this instance. Here Glenn Beck is calling Sharpton out for promoting love, etc., etc., but this is the same man who is hosting a 3 day convention in Dallas, TX. called “Restoring Love” … the same man who, on a daily basis, “urges” his listeners to purchase his bible propaganda, invest in Goldline.com, & has an entire radio company named Mercury, which in case you don’t know is an element known to be highly toxic. I find it highly appropriate that he would choose this name for his company because if you listen to this lunatic for too long you’ll become infected with his irreverent, retarded rhetoric. Bro, live & let live. Stop trying to make something out of nothing. Mind your ‘effin business. There’s a reason why you got fired from FOX News & that’s saying a lot because they’re the worst news company in the history of news stations, yet THEY fired YOU! Glenn Beck was too fucken crazy for FOX News, oh the irony!

With that being said, I banish him to the island!!! That’s an inside joke, but basically it means that I’d wish he’d fall off the planet … or be sent to Pluto … or go work for Marshall’s by Marshall’s … AGAIN, these last 2 things are seriously inside jokes, but if you knew where they originated from you’d completely agree with me. Or not. I could give a rats ass whichever way. hehe

“Poets, priests and politicians,
Have words to thank for their positions.
Words that scream for their submission,
And no one’s jamming their transmission.
‘Cos when their eloquence escapes you
Their logic ties you up and rapes you!!”

Girl Friend, uh-oh there goes that word again

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 14:07:00 -0500

Oh but where to begin with this topic?!? I’ve never been the type of chic who rolls with a huge posse of girlfriends. I normally was hanging with my brother’s friends, much to his chagrin, but for some reason I just gravitated towards guys because they were so uncomplicated. I have 3 women friends: my sister Meredith, my best friend Yesenia of 22 years & Strawberry (aka Angie). These 3 women are the only ones that I trust implicitly (and my husband too, but he’s a guy friend & I’m talking about my girl friends for now). Most girls I’ve met say the same thing about having girl friends. The main complaints are that they are drama llama’s, catty, untrustworthy, etc. But au contraire, mon frere, I believe that most times we are so quick to want to relate to another female that we miss all the signs & red flags these so-called friends throw our way. I’m of the opinion that when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them! I pay attention to what people tell me & then watch what they actually do because most times these chics just run their mouth about who they want you to think they are.

Let me elucidate you with the red flags I’ve encountered —

Red flag: Ms. Independent: When a female says that she doesn’t have any girl friends because she can’t trust them. Shyeah, right! More often than not she’s the one who can’t be trusted so just do yourself a favor & walk away from that one because she’s gonna come in like a F5 tornado & fuck shit up in your life.

Red flag: Flip flopping floozy: The one who gets drunk, flirts with your man & every other guy in the joint, but has a boyfriend. This one usually claims that she really wants to break up with her man, but doesn’t know how. Yet she’s all lovey-dovey with him AND they’re still together. She’s as needy as they come & I just don’t have the patience for phony’s & liars, which she’s both. NEXT!

Red flag: Stage 5 clinger: This type is kinda tricky because she’s always very sweet & unassuming, but then she becomes like that booger you get stuck on your finger & you’re waving it out the window, trying to flick it off, but alas IT’S STILL THERE!! She’s the one who becomes your bestie after 30 minutes of meeting you. In my opinion, this is the worst one because she’s normally a wacka-doo. Run far, far away & never look back.

Listen, I’m not hating on mademoiselle’s, pero I’ve come across some real bitches in my lifetime. And while I’m a very honest & open person, I’m also very careful about the friends I keep. Sure, I have lots of lady acquaintances & most of them are extremely wonderful ladies, but I just choose to keep my girl friend circle tight. Quality over quantity is how I feel. I’ve been burned by a few lady friends in my time, but they’ve each taught me something very valueable, which is that real friends are hard to come by so hold on & nurture the awesome ones in your life.

“A friend is someone who sees through you & still enjoys the view!”

A bathroom quickie

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:04:00 -0500

Ladies, we’ve all been the victim of the dreaded ‘toilet paper on the bottom of your heel’, so next time instead of primping in front of the mirror with your girls may I suggest this quick 5 step check you should do before exiting any public bathroom?!?

1. Look down & actually lift your feet up off the ground to make sure there’s no nasty toilet paper stuck to your lovely heels!

2. Since you’re already standing in front of the mirror, turn around & look at your derrière. No, not to admire it, but to be sure that your skirt or dress isn’t tucked into your panties and/or that you don’t have any embarrassing stains.

3. Pit check is mandatory!!! Just a quick sniff on BOTH sides ladies, operative word being “both” because if one smells most likely the other one does too. Most bathrooms have an attendant & they always have deodorant, do everyone a favor & use it (and tip the lady too). There’s nothing more unattractive than a smelly chica.

4. After you’ve reapplied your lipstick, get up close to that mirror & smile at yourself. This is to verify that you don’t have anything stuck in between or on your teeth, not to play ‘mirror, mirror on the wall’ you narcissist!

5. And last, but most certainly not least, check your breath. No one wants to be subjected to your halitosis or alcohol infused dragon breath. The best way to analyze the funkiness of your mouth is to lick the back of your hand, wait for it to dry & then smell it. If it reeks then that’s what everyone around you is smelling so, again, make use of that bathroom attendant or ask one of your friends for some gum.

Trust me, after all the nights I’ve spent out in the bars & clubs I’ve quite possibly seen it all & I’ve consistently adhered to this 5 step quickie. This Little Lady has always been nice enough to at least tell a chic when she’s in violation of any the above so I wrote this in the hopes that maybe one day you’ll pay it forward as well! :)

Wine, wine, everywhere a wine

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:52:00 -0500

So over the weekend my husband & I decided to finally go to Schnelby Winery down in Homestead since we had about 3-4 hours to kill while his son was hanging out with his new flavor of the month. If you’ve ever seen a real winery you’ll probably be very disappointed with this place. Just think of a small factory with a double wide trailer thrown off to the side. We signed up for the “tour”, which I immediately regretted once our tour “guide” started his presentation in the courtyard right next to a wedding reception that had Bachata music screaming at you. You couldn’t hear a lick of what he was saying unless you were practically standing on top of him! He was going on & on about how much money they spent on the small entrance building and the vegetation (I believe he said $6M), yet I couldn’t help but notice that the grass we were standing on was deader than the popped collar trend. I guess after all that money they spent they just couldn’t afford some sprinklers or fertilizer. Next we walk into a quaint little area where there are high picnic tables underneath a huge tiki hut with a pond that goes all around it and a small waterfall. People were hanging out there with food they brought from home & bottles of Schnelby wine. So this dude is still droning on with boring, meaningless information about how they got started, blah, blah, blah … now I’m all about hearing other people’s stories, but he just came off as an overzealous employee, who’s obviously been with the company since inception, & there was no clear cut direction to his story telling. Also, his pleated khaki’s were so wrinkled that they looked like they had come straight out of one of their wine bottles & his shirt had a few big, noticeable stains. I just think that if you’re going to be the face of a company you should at least look the part.

Okay, so here’s my favorite part because I just couldn’t believe that they would even include this in the tour. He brings us to a double wide trailer set back amongst this cozy little deck/pond/tiki hut area & proceeds to tell us that this used to be something or other, but now it’s the offices. Again, I notice that the vegetation is in dire need of maintenance (palms with dead leaves, mulch/wood chips that looked like they hadn’t been replaced in months, etc.), not to mention that it would help if they had someone at least pick up some of the trash that found its way there, but the optimist in me just thought “Well at least they’re keeping it real by making it look a little messy in front of the trailer!” We move on to a freezing cold room, with 4 stainless steel thingy’s, where said wine is made & he had us in there for 20 minutes!!! Mind you I’m wearing leggings, a tank top & sandals so the first 5 minutes in my poor phalanges are just about frozen. This retard is now rambling about corks, soda, the bottling process & all the while we are slowly turning into Eskimo’s. The only real highlight was that we were going to get to sample one of the wines straight from the thingy … in the cold ass room. I almost threw up in my mouth when I tasted that crap. To my horror, there were people in there who actually finished what was in their cup … ewwwww!!! The tour ends on that sour note & we make a beeline for the wine tasting area because I’m still holding out hope that there is some good wine to be had in this factory of a winery. Negative son, didn’t happen! We tried 10 different wines & the only one that was tolerable was a guava-vino. Most of them reeked of a turpentine equivalent smell & all of them had this strange after taste that reminded me of a dirty, soggy band-aid. Needless to say we didn’t purchase any of the wines. I’m no wine connoisseur, but dammit this Little Lady knows when something good hits the palette & these wines obliterated the mark.

The upside is that I can scratch this off my to-do list, but it also made my love for beer stronger than ever!!

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza!” – Dave Barry

What's in a resolution?

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 13:26:00 -0500

With the New Year only 4 days away it’s about time we all start talking about our resolutions, right?!? Let’s go to dictionary.com for a sec & acquaint ourselves with the actual meaning of the word:

res-o-lu-tion [rez-uh-loo-shuh’n]

noun

1. a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution

2. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

3. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

4. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

5. the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.

So every year most of us take a stance on how we want the new year to go. We make feeble proclamations about shedding those pesky 10 lbs, spending more time with family, starting a new hobby, etc., but rarely do we follow through because with our busy schedules & affinity to having the attention span of a goldfish, by the time the end of January comes those resolutions become a distant, faded memory as we get wrapped up in a little thing called life. Well this little lady is determined not to become languid about my resolutions this year!! I’m setting some major & minor goals & I’m going to hold myself accountable because, honey, NO ONE cares about you the way that you do. All too often I hear people blaming others for their shortcomings, but let’s be honest no one is forcing you to eat that Krispy Kreme or have a less-than-sunny disposition. As Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Here’s the gospel: You were born alone so stop waiting for anyone else, but yourself, to make those resolutions a reality.

Okay, so let me try to answer the question in the title of this blog ‘What’s in a resolution?’ It comes down to the 3 C’s of life … Choices, Changes & Chances. You have a choice, every day, to create your own path in life. You have to be willing to take chances that bring about change. Yes, I know most are scared of that horrific word “change”, but as soon as you the face reality that it’s one of the constants in this world you’ll be better equipped to deal with it & all the beautiful things it can bring.

Now that I’ve clearly enlightened you with my oh-so humble opinion I’ll jump off my soap box & get down to brass tacks. Just what are my resolutions you ask?? This is the scary part because I’m laying down my guard, showing my vulnerability & putting it out there on the worldwide web where I’ll be even more compelled, dare I say obligated, to not falter on my resolve. I faintly hear the word change being chanted in my subconscious so here goes everything …

1. Cut down & eventually quit smoking!!

This is a big one & my husband is going to be so happy, but I think I’m ready. Even though I only smoke when I drink, & I don’t ever feel the need to smoke on a daily basis, it’s a nasty habit & it’s one I would surely benefit from.

2. Write a blog once a week.

I’ve become a bit complacent with my writing & I know I’m good at it, but I let life & laziness take over. I forget how much I truly love writing & I’m reminded every time I write one of these blogs.

3. Dedicate more quality time to my son.

As parents, it’s a struggle to carve out time with our kids, but it’s crucial to their well-being. I am making a promise to do something with him at least once a week. Just him & I, one-on-one. Right now we try to watch a show together every Thursday, but I have to say that I haven’t been diligent about it. No more! He’s an amazing boy who deserves time with his old lady. :)

4. Take a family vacation.

This can be tough because of the nature of my husband’s job & also the fact that hotels, flights, etc. ain’t cheap! You’re easily looking at $1,000 minimum to do anything remotely exciting, but this will just tie in to another resolution: saving money. I really suck at saving, but I know I can do anything I set my crazy mind to.

5. Revamp my tumblr site.

I consider myself somewhat tech savvy, but tumblr is just a site that eludes me. I need to tap back into my Myspace days where I pimped out my page & would spent countless hours on those damn codes! I want to make it more user friendly where people can share my blogs on all the social network sites that are out there, etc. Anyone reading this that can help me out I would be so appreciative.

6. Compete in a Crossfit competition.

This is my final resolution for 2012, but it’s another big one. I know I have it in me. I’m one tough bitch so it’s time to get serious, work on my weaknesses & shut up & squat! Crossfit Storm (http://crossfitstorm.com/) has changed my life & now it’s up to me to show myself, and my peers, just how much I want it. It’s time to go full beast mode!!!

There you have it mi gente. Just 6 resolutions, which may not seem like much, but to me they are just enough. I plan to write a blog quarterly (every 3 months) updating you on where I’m at with each of my goals. I wish you all a happy, successful New Year & I hope to have inspired some of you to honestly try to attain your resolutions for 2012.

“Believe in yourself with all of your heart. People will notice!”

Miami Marlins, their new digs & the scandal that has ensued

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:24:00 -0500

The feds have FINALLY caught on to the shenanigans of the Marlins with this whole stadium nonsense. There was a lot of controversy surrounding this issue & a lot of Miami-Dade county commissioners were blatantly against it, but Norman Braman (yes, the car dealership owner) had the biggest dog in this fight as he filed a lawsuit back in ‘08 in a feeble attempt to stop the building of this new ballpark. I’d to point out that I called this one awhile back. No one in South Florida gives a rats ass about baseball, unless they are in the playoffs, so I never understood the justification for a baseball stadium. Much less one that seats a whopping 37,000 people! Also, weren’t these the same Marlins who claimed not to have the money to build this stadium & went so far as to “threaten” to leave South Florida by saying that they needed public funding to stay, yet now they’re throwing around figures like $27M for Heath Bell, $106M for Jose Reyes & $200M for Albert Pujols?!? They’re making the Yankees & Red Sox look like paupers with all this new found cheddar.

I wonder if most people from the lovely city of Miami know that they, the taxpayers, are footing more than 3/4 (or 80%) of the cost of this $634M stadium? I also wonder just how many of these taxpayers are going to fill those 37,000 seats, which seem to always look devastatingly empty when you see the games on TV?? My advice, if I may, is that Miami better start taking a liking to baseball & hit up those games so you can at least feel that your hard earned tax dollars aren’t a complete & utter waste. Oh wait, they already are.

SIDE NOTE: I didn’t know that Mr. Braman had a hand in bringing Art Basel to Miami! I seriously learn something new every day :)

Want more deets about the juicy investigation? Read them here:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/12/02/2529191/feds-open-sec-probe-into-miami.html

Early Onset of Night: I Have This Thing On My Balls

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:56:23 -0500

Early Onset of Night: I Have This Thing On My Balls:

Seriously, this guy writes fantastic shit .. I love his snarkiness. Do yourself a favor & go through his blog site.

early-onset-of-night:

December, 2009. Day one of five. A Sunday.

A momentous event will occur at 7 am Mountain time today: I will go to jail. I know what you’re all thinking: “Finally!”

At that time, I will check myself into a rundown dump called the Lawrence County Jail and there I will rot for 24 hours. Like a…

I have seen grown ass women whore themselves out just to hear a...

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:16:08 -0500

I have seen grown ass women whore themselves out just to hear a song … um, ever heard of iTunes or You Tube?? Most of the time your request is a stupid one & you’re not that hot!!!

nobreastsnorequests:

Looks and sounds like a 10-year old wrote this……until you get to the end.

Submitted by DJ Willerby (Brighton, UK)

early-onset-of-night: Tattoo artist Ryan Fitzgerald from...

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:24:28 -0500

early-onset-of-night:

Tattoo artist Ryan Fitzgerald from Dayton, OH was hit with a $100,000 lawsuit last week by his ex-girlfriend Rossie Brovent. She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.

Apparently, Ryan found out that Rossie had cheated with a long-time friend of his, but instead of confronting her about it he acted like everything was normal and hatched a plan for revenge. Originally, Rossie tried to have Ryan charged with assault, but the ingenious tattoo artist had covered his bases by plying Rossie with wine and tequila shots and getting her to sign a consent form that stated the design was “at the artist’s discretion.”

No word from Rossie on whether the illicit night of passion with Ryan’s friend was worth it. Moral of the story? Never cheat on a tattoo artist.

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It's all in the bag!

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 20:10:00 -0500

Pardon my slight hiatus in posting a blog, but when my creative juices aren’t flowing I just can’t bring myself to write. I like to put a lot of thought into what I write & sometimes that’s my own worst enemy. But, truth be told, I’ve also been a tad bit lazy! :)

Moving on now … I’m here to talk about one of my favorite things, PURSES!! The creator & owner of Navoh, Larry Ho, is someone I met at the place where my husband & I Crossfit at. I actually found out about his business when we had an inebriated conversation at Grand Central after one of our Crossfit social events. I told him that I wanted to write a blog about him that night, but I honestly couldn’t really recall all the details about how he got his start (one of the side effects when I drink!) so I asked him if we could sit down so I could actually interview him. After a gruelling WOD (Crossfit lingo for workout of the day) one Thursday night we hit the La Carreta on Miramar Parkway to chat. I almost fell out of the booth we were sitting in when Larry, an Asian dude, spoke perfect Spanish to the waitress. I personally think the waitress was more surprised than all of us!! Yeah, so I bet you can already guess what my first question was … for the slow people, I asked how he learned to speak Spanish. Larry moved to Panama when he was 5 yrs old until the age of 16 where his family then migrated to the East side of Hialeah. We were more kindred spirits than I could have ever imagined, which just goes to show that everyone has an interesting story. Anyway, I didn’t want this “interview” to seem formal & I wanted it to flow naturally so after some small talk, plenty of jokes courtesy of my husband, & about 2 margaritas for me I simply began by asking innocent questions about his purse line.

I was curious as to how he came up with name & he informed me that it was his girlfriend & his last name spelled backwards (hers: van his: ho = navoh). Pretty clever & very sweet, but then what if the relationship doesn’t work out?!? He’s stuck with the constant reminder! hehe Okay, so then I naturally wondered how a man got into the purse making business & he went on to explain that his family used to be in the shoes/accessories business so it was an easy transition for him since he had a lot of contacts already. All the purses are made in China & I must say that the quality is impeccable. Right now they are sold in 60 Nordstrom stores in the trends department & in a plethora of boutiques across the US, but of course he would love to expand, which is the ultimate goal on his quest for a globally recognized brand. Navoh has already been featured in about 9 different magazines such as Redbook, Oprah, & In Style to name a few. Quite impressive for a business he only started a year ago. While I was perusing his website (http://www.navoh.com/shop/) I noted that all the bags had women’s names & the innate “detective” in me knew there was a sure reason for this. He clued me in on the fact that each name represents the people he started the company with. It’s those little details that I feel make the brand even neater. I asked what this next step was & he said that they are working on having seasonal collections, but that he just wants to make versatile yet trendy bags. As a woman who loves accessories I can’t argue with that!

To end the interview I came up with 4 off the wall questions:

AB: Would you rather lose old memories or never be able to make new ones?

LH: Lose old memories (I’d like to point out that it took him awhile to answer this & we went back & forth on the pros & cons of each scenario)

AB: What’s your favorite curse word?

LH: Fuck (he didn’t hesitate on this one!)

AB: Toilet paper or wipes?

LH: Toilet paper, wipes seem too bougie & expensive.

AB: What is the one thing that you know you do differently than most people?

LH: I eat fast ?? (this is another question he had difficulty answering)

“Those who create are rare; those who cannot are numerous. Therefore, the latter are strong.” - Coco Chanel

Here’s a pika of me sporting a Navoh at my birthday celebration in September … exquisite, right?!? I meant the purse, not me. ;)

DJ Hans: a glimpse of his fantastic voyage

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 14:21:00 -0400

At long last people, here it is: the bio of my husband DJ Hans! I always wondered why he didn’t have one already, but I finally figured it out; he was waiting for ME to come along & put this masterpiece together. I must say that this has been the most gruelling piece I’ve written to date, but only because his concept of time is profoundly skewed. What he thinks happened last week was actually 7 months ago! Plus, this was a story that needed to be told the right way as it highlights the career of the other man who holds a piece of my heart (my son claimed the first half). Happy reading ladies & gentlemen …..

DJ Hans, born on 7/28/73 as Hans Batista, hails all the way from Havana, Cuba where he & his family migrated to the U.S. (Miami, FL to be exact!) in 1980 on a makeshift raft out of banana leaves & plywood. This early resolve would set the standard for his tenacity to live out his dream and make his mark in the DJ world. His first real interaction with the art of DJ’ing came at the precocious age of 11 when he & his upstairs neighbor decided to join forces, each with their single turntable to make 2 wheels of steel, & DJ Hans started experimenting with scratching to, the very apropos song by Egyptian Lover, “What is a DJ if he can’t Scratch”. At this age, he also had his first brush with producing by editing his recordings on his Realistic tape deck. By age 13, DJ Hans & his cousin extraordinaire, Aramis Lorie (aka Jokey Jam), began earnestly dabbling with DJ’ing with their aberrant pairing of a Realistic & Gemini turntable & Pyramid mixer. However, this charismatic duo would be put on hold for about a year as DJ Hans briefly relocated to California where he had his first encounter with the almighty Technic 1200’s. He was exposed to the sounds of disco & freestyle being played at a high speed by a Mexican DJ. His stint on the west coast was short lived due to him being a menace to society, but this gave him the opportunity to link back up with Aramis & get back to work on his craft, where they began experimenting with the classics such as Dominatrix, Running by Information Society, Planet Rock, Gigolo Tony, etc. … and all of this from his cousin’s apartment in Hialeah, done in true Cuban style! DJ Hans is never one to shy away from creativity, or his next big idea, & so was born Quixotic DJ’s, which started with just himself & Aramis doing house parties until they ultimately destroyed the Technic speakers they had “borrowed” from Aramis’ dad. Like everything in life, all good things must come to an end & Quixotic DJ’s eventually fizzled out, but DJ Hans just moved on to his next adventure, which was Nightlife Productions, where he threw some of the best parties at Hot Wheels, banquet halls, and small clubs all over Miami.

The year is now 1994 & this is where DJ Hans gets his first real taste of the nightclub arena by having the privilege to work with Lisa Cox, who was with Women of the World & was known as the biggest promoter in the gay & lesbian scene. He got to play at some of the most iconic clubs on South Beach such as Warsaw, Amnesia, Cameo, Pacha, and Salvation & was also a part of the exalted rooftop parties, some of which took place at the Sony building & The Collection in Coral Gables. DJ Hans got to play alongside the distinguished DJ JoJo Odyssey whose affinity for house music, as it was evolving, had an immense impact on Hans. During this time, the after hours culture was just revving up so, instinctively, DJ Hans got in on the action & was spinning at local clubs Boomerang & Mickey’s, to name a few. Keep in mind that he was simultaneously doing weddings & private & corporate events, which allowed him to explore the many depths of the open format style.

DJ Hans then went to DJ for an underground radio station called Fever Radio, which subsequently got shut down by Power 96, & that gave him the interest to be a part of the radio realm. As he ventured into the beginning of the millennium (luckily DJ Hans’ bank accounts & computer survived the impending Y2K “disaster”) along came Ovidio Santiago, who was the Promotions Director at a local Miami radio station, Mega 103.5. Ovidio earnestly believed in DJ Hans & what he had to offer the music industry so he gave this DJ a break. This is where his DJ’ing career was about to reach new heights & this radio station was the catalyst! Aside from being an on-air talent, doing the coveted 5pm traffic mix, DJ Hans was the official DJ for events such as KC & The Sunshine Band Signing Party, Disco Inferno 1 & 2 concert series, Madonna’s GHV2 concert (greatest hits volume 2), Cher’s ‘HBO Farwell Tour Special’ concert & Phil Collins VIP Party. He also did mixes for Party 93.1 & was the opening DJ for John Secada, Paul Van Dyke, George Acosta & ATB at Party 93.1’s 2004 4^th of July bash. He also played at the 2004 Freestyle Concert Reunion, which was also sponsored by Party 93.1. Concurrently, he submitted a video to Mountain Dew in the hopes of landing a job with them as not only a DJ, but to be the manager of their street promotions & local events. With his gregarious attitude he was, naturally, a perfect fit. DJ Hans did a plethora of local events with Mountain Dew, as well as some in Milwaukee & the X-Games in Orlando, FL. Never one to back down from work, he additionally took on a position with Red Bull at their Miami Red Bull Music Academy, which had him playing at the Diesel store in NYC, club Twilo & at the legendary Bartender’s Bash in Key West, FL. Next up was an opportunity to work with Coca-Cola for their Latino concert series.

Amidst this whirlwind of amazing concerts & exposure, he started DJ’ing at Cocowalk’s notorious college night Thursdays at Fat Tuesday & the annual Mardi Gras & Halloween block parties where thousands of people, from all the various ‘burbs in Miami, come together for a night of debauchery. Speaking of debauchery, DJ Hans was about to up the ante at a Ft. Lauderdale club called Rush Street. He started what they dubbed the “Wall of Fame”, which basically was a collage of photos of girl’s breasts. You’ve heard the stories of the groupies & the ones who want to hang in the DJ booth so the pre-requisite to do so at Rush Street was to have your boobs photographed & proudly posted on the wall. It got so infamous that this “wall” ended up taking up the adjoining hallway wall & wrapped into the manager’s office! However, this lasciviousness was brief as he met his wife the following year &, no, she never made it on that wall! Loving the current scene that was transpiring on Riverfront in Ft. Lauderdale back in 2006, DJ Hans was able to get a weekly Saturday gig with Side Bar after Rush Street shut down. This, in turn, lead to him doing live broadcasts with Y100 for Art Bar & West Palm Beach’s Wild 95.5 for Blue Martini in West Palm Beach & Boca Raton. However, he was missing his Miami gente so he seized an opportunity take over one of the longest running ladies night in South Florida at a place called Gatsby’s, located in the heart of Kendall. He was able to breathe life back into this well-known Wednesday night, much to the appreciation of the locals. As always, DJ Hans is never one to rest on his laurels & in 2007 he went on to win 2^nd place in a Denon sponsored mash-up contest. From there he was able to seek a weekly radio show on Wild 95.5 show called ‘Wild House Sessions’, which aired every Friday & Saturday & garnered him more publicity with the locals & his steadfast fans.

Wanting to remain relevant in this ever fluctuating industry is what has kept DJ Hans a permanent staple in many clubs from Miami to West Palm Beach to this very day &, thus far; despite his late-night club jobs he has always maintained his busy daytime schedule with plenty of corporate events, private parties & weddings. Keep in mind that throughout his entire career he has rigorously maintained his penchant for producing tracks, making mash-ups and coming up with his signature mixes. In 2011 DJ Hans was voted as the Best Club DJ by the Broward/West Palm Beach New Times. What made this victory the sweetest was that it was based on the reader’s votes so the politics was kept separate from the actual talent.

The music industry has been known to chew people up & spew them out like last night’s final round of tequila shots, but DJ Hans has held fast to his undying passion & has never wavered from his one true ambition & calling in life. Raised with tremendous integrity, respect, & a work ethic uncanny to most, he finds a way to keep it classy & simple in a way of life most people would deem complicated & seedy.

“Life is like music; it must be composed by year, feeling and instinct, not by rule.” – Samuel Butler

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Tue, 13 Sep 2011 19:18:49 -0400