So over the weekend my husband & I decided to finally go to Schnelby Winery down in Homestead since we had about 3-4 hours to kill while his son was hanging out with his new flavor of the month. If you’ve ever seen a real winery you’ll probably be very disappointed with this place. Just think of a small factory with a double wide trailer thrown off to the side. We signed up for the “tour”, which I immediately regretted once our tour “guide” started his presentation in the courtyard right next to a wedding reception that had Bachata music screaming at you. You couldn’t hear a lick of what he was saying unless you were practically standing on top of him! He was going on & on about how much money they spent on the small entrance building and the vegetation (I believe he said $6M), yet I couldn’t help but notice that the grass we were standing on was deader than the popped collar trend. I guess after all that money they spent they just couldn’t afford some sprinklers or fertilizer. Next we walk into a quaint little area where there are high picnic tables underneath a huge tiki hut with a pond that goes all around it and a small waterfall. People were hanging out there with food they brought from home & bottles of Schnelby wine. So this dude is still droning on with boring, meaningless information about how they got started, blah, blah, blah … now I’m all about hearing other people’s stories, but he just came off as an overzealous employee, who’s obviously been with the company since inception, & there was no clear cut direction to his story telling. Also, his pleated khaki’s were so wrinkled that they looked like they had come straight out of one of their wine bottles & his shirt had a few big, noticeable stains. I just think that if you’re going to be the face of a company you should at least look the part.
Okay, so here’s my favorite part because I just couldn’t believe that they would even include this in the tour. He brings us to a double wide trailer set back amongst this cozy little deck/pond/tiki hut area & proceeds to tell us that this used to be something or other, but now it’s the offices. Again, I notice that the vegetation is in dire need of maintenance (palms with dead leaves, mulch/wood chips that looked like they hadn’t been replaced in months, etc.), not to mention that it would help if they had someone at least pick up some of the trash that found its way there, but the optimist in me just thought “Well at least they’re keeping it real by making it look a little messy in front of the trailer!” We move on to a freezing cold room, with 4 stainless steel thingy’s, where said wine is made & he had us in there for 20 minutes!!! Mind you I’m wearing leggings, a tank top & sandals so the first 5 minutes in my poor phalanges are just about frozen. This retard is now rambling about corks, soda, the bottling process & all the while we are slowly turning into Eskimo’s. The only real highlight was that we were going to get to sample one of the wines straight from the thingy … in the cold ass room. I almost threw up in my mouth when I tasted that crap. To my horror, there were people in there who actually finished what was in their cup … ewwwww!!! The tour ends on that sour note & we make a beeline for the wine tasting area because I’m still holding out hope that there is some good wine to be had in this factory of a winery. Negative son, didn’t happen! We tried 10 different wines & the only one that was tolerable was a guava-vino. Most of them reeked of a turpentine equivalent smell & all of them had this strange after taste that reminded me of a dirty, soggy band-aid. Needless to say we didn’t purchase any of the wines. I’m no wine connoisseur, but dammit this Little Lady knows when something good hits the palette & these wines obliterated the mark.
The upside is that I can scratch this off my to-do list, but it also made my love for beer stronger than ever!!
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza!” – Dave Barry