Little Lady with an Opinion ... About Everything!

I’ve always felt that there are 3 main topics that no one will ever truly agree on: Sex, Religion & Politics. That being said, I’ve decided to “go there” as it pertains to sex! 

On Monday nite my husband & I were laying in bed chit chatting & somehow our sex life came up. So this little lady went where no woman should ever go & I asked the all encumbering question of “on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate me?” That’s just as bad as asking “do these jeans make me look fat?” However, I’m not your average girl & I prefer the cold, hard, ugly truth so when I ask a question I want a real fucken answer. Well, I sure enough got an answer, but not the one I was expecting. Are you ready to hear what he said?!? He said (and I quote) “You’re a 7 or an 8. On your lazy days you’re about a 3 or a 4.” WHAT?!?!?!? The logical side of me appreciated his honesty, but the girly emotional side of me wondered what the hell was keeping me from being a 10 in his eyes. (I also love how he threw out 2 numbers for each scale, but c’mon, you know I only heard the lower of the 2.) Bro, I’m his wife! So does that mean I should be an automatic 10? Yes! No, I’m just kidding. Nothing should ever be automatic especially when it comes to matters of the heart or, in this case, the vagina. I want to earn that 10 & not just be given a pass because he put a ring on it. And here I thought we had this amazing sex life, but all of that was diminished the minute he put up those figures. Okay, I’m being overly dramatic now. :) 

So what makes anyone a 10? Or a 9? By the way, I would’ve been happy with a 9. I think there are many different things that have to be taken into consideration when judging someone sexually & then putting a number on how good or bad they are. Since I can only speak for myself, I’ll give you a glimpse into my sex-o-meter scale. First things first, kissing!! I’ve always lived by the rule of “if you can’t kiss, you can’t fuck.” Plain & simple. The rule says it all &, therefore, needs no further explanation. Kissing is the catalyst or the jump off, if you will, for the sexual escapade that’s about to take place. If he can’t get that right what makes you think he’s gonna be able to find the sweet spot? He probably won’t so, next! Now I know most ladies look forward to foreplay because this is when you get to be ravished, but sometimes I find it to be overrated. There are moments when you just want to pushed up against a wall or thrown on the bed & taken right then & there. No speaking, just action … pure, unadulterated, carnal SEX. (and that, ladies & gentlemen, would be considered a 10!) But don’t get it twisted guys,  foreplay is almost always necessary because us women don’t get our kitty purring that easily. We are creatures that need to be mentally stimulated in bed so that means “you gotta lick it before you stick it”. Or something along those lines, if you follow my gist. Alas, I’ve saved the best for last!! The actual act of sex, love making, banging … whatever you choose to label it as. Let’s explore what each of those labels mean to me real quick.

Sex is just that: sex. It’s a means to an end. You’re looking to get off, no more no less. That’s the K.I.M. business (keep it movin’) or a quickie. It’s still good no matter what way you look at it because you’re getting what you want out of it & if you’re not, well then you’re doing it wrong!

Love making is sensual & you don’t necessarily have to be in love with the person, but rather have a passion for them. It’s fiery, romantic, lascivious and all those other great synonyms!!! This particular form of sex should be reserved for special occasions or when you wanna bring out the big guns & blow someone away because it should never be taken for granted. I think you bare your soul in the art of love making & I don’t make a habit of showing it too often because then it becomes under appreciated. Feel me?!?

Banging sounds so horrible, but I think it’s just gotten a bad rap. That shit is erotic! Sometimes it feels good to simply get fucked, even if you don’t climax. There’s no rule that says you have to orgasm every single time you have a sexual adventure. Being penetrated can be just as good as any orgasm or at least that’s my opinion.

Have I been too vulgar? Good, my goal was to be controversial & arousing at the same time. With all that being said, there are many factors that go into handing out a simple number on a scale of 1 to 10. Few guys know how to do all of the above with expert skill & these few are an automatic 10, maybe even some plus signs (++) thrown in there too. Others got 1 or 2 down pat so their score may be anywhere from the 4 to 8 zone, this depends on how proficient they are at either or both. We all know a good cunnilingus can make a man’s score change at any given time! Meaning, he might not be all that with his apparatus, but he’s got talent with that tongue so he may have potentially been a 4, but now he’s a 6. 

I bet most of you are wondering how my husband ranks in all of this &, if you must know, my Daddy is a certifiable 10. I can hear the audible moans now, but seriously I’m not bullshitting (trust me, he told me I was full of caca too). What makes him a 10 is the fact that not only is he at “expert level” (in my eyes), but through out the years we’ve perfected what works for us. Also, the love we have for each other adds to that number. Truth be told, he wasn’t that good the very first time we had relations & I told him so right after, but then he redeemed himself a few hours later. In his defense, we were pretty tore up so that’s why I granted him another go at it. Even on his laziest days he’s still, at least, a 6. See that honey, I only gave you ONE number each time because I don’t teeter on the fence buddy!

I never got a definitive reason as to why my number is what it is, but if I can speak frankly I think it should be a 9. I know what I’m doing in bed, shit I’m a pro at this. I was built for sex. I may not go all out every single time we hit it, but after being together for 6 1/2 years I think I’ve more than earned my stripes & put it on him enough to be considered a 9! Wouldn’t you agree?? j/k

I hope after reading this I’ve inspired you to go home & try to prove your number to your significant other or, at best, help change your rating with whoever you have in your rotation at the moment (lover, booty call, etc).

“I wanna own you, I wanna consume you! Get all molecular & pass myself through you.” — Melanie Fiona

Sexually charged,

LL

I’ve been meaning to listen to Frank Ocean’s new album for quite some time now & I have to say that I regret wasting my entire drive to work on such nonsense. I’ve NEVER fast forwarded through songs on any album I’ve ever listened to, but I found myself hitting that button 3 times!!! There were at least 4 intro’s/outro’s mixed in with this “album”, which says you have no substance so you have to use fillers. I was trying really hard to relate to at least one of the songs, but he was singing about how he feels uncomfortable around rich kids, someone smoking crack rock in abandoned houses & how peaches, mangoes & limes make a sweet life. What’s even more shocking to me is that he’s written songs for John Legend, Beyonce & Justin Bieber. The last 2 I can understand, but John Legend?!? Not John Legend!!!! 

I’m open to all kinds of music. However comma I just can’t deal with shitty shit. I’m sorry con permiso, but I don’t get the hype that surrounded this guy. I feel dumber for having listened to Channel Orange. That’s all!

“Music is to the soul what words are to the mind” — Modest Mouse

Hate is such a strong word, no? That’s why I chose loathe instead. It has a nicer ring to it, don’t you agree? If you don’t, you probably won’t wanna read this blog & in that case: move along! But I bet you will because I’ve already piqued your interest by the catchy-ness of title.

This particular blog was born from my proclivity to always proclaim “I hate it when __________” or “I hate _________”, so in one of my “I hate” moments in the car with my husband I told him I was going to blog about all these things & just update it periodically as I come across some other things that I find an abomination. 

Please note that these are in no particular order & I’m numbering them so I can keep track of my hatefulness. :)

This little lady hates / loathes / despises / dislikes:

1. Waking up early in the morning unless it’s the weekend or I have the day off from work.

2. Stupid people

3. Bad drivers. I’ve come up with a pretty nifty solution & that’s to create a device that monitors your driving & if you’re shitty then you’ll be placed in a separate lane with all the other shitty drivers! Boom, problem solved & you can all drive each other crazy instead of us normal, good drivers.

4. People who can’t spell or use proper grammar. Get a dictionary/thesaurus yo!

5. Snobs

6. Child abusers

7. Cockroaches!!! This should really be #1, but since I posted that disclaimer I can’t change it now. I seriously get sweaty palms & my heart starts racing whenever I see one. They’re like totally gross & any “thing” that can squeeze through a fucken crack just ain’t right. That shit ain’t right son.

8. Chics who rock open toe’d shoes or sandals without a pedicure. Por favor, keep those talons covered up. And use some damn lotion on your feet before you go to bed if you can’t afford a pedicure. Also, a little cuticle oil wouldn’t hurt either.

9. Liars

10. Tickets / Moving Violations

11. When my husband jumps to turn over in the bed instead of simply rolling over. He succeeds in shaking the entire damn bed, waking me up & sometimes scaring the buh-JESUS out of me.

12. Close minded people. In the words of En Vogue “Free your mind & the rest will follow!”

13. People who take of their shoes while they’re eating in a restaurant or sit Indian style. My Dad always told me that if you get into the habit of doing that home that you’ll take it with you in public. Guess he was right!

14. Insomnia … I can’t get no sleep.

15. Burpees

16. Any form of cardio that’s not sex!

17. NSF bank fees. I’ve come to the conclusion that Bank of America is run by thieves.

18. Twitter. I’ve really tried, but I just can’t seem to get into it. It just looks so boring & a bit messy with all the stuff in the feed. Blah!

I thought that maybe “sleeping on it” would make me feel better about what happened last night, but turns out: IT DIDN’T! I’m actually more fucken pissed off now that I had a chance to marinate. Okay, okay so let me start at the very beginning because as Julie Andrews said it’s a “very good place to start!!” I was all excited about finally seeing Dirty South (fuck you, no I haven’t ever seen him … yes, it’s just one guy) so I was even more excited that Daddy (my husband) was down to hit up LIV for this little excursion. Now, if you’ve ever been to LIV you know that this club gets ridiculously packed on a Wednesday nite & the only way to roll is to be posted up on top of the couches in the V.I.P. section, which is exactly where this little lady planted her happy ass. This would turn out to be the undoing of my entire nite. Picture it: it’s about 12:45am, the club is still filling up at that point & the section we’re in still has actual breathing room so this one girl comes & sits up on the top of the couches, like me, doesn’t even bother to try & assume to be friendly or offer a mere “hello” or smile in my direction, but then she DEMANDS; “can you move over”. Mind you, the entire section we’re sitting on still has more than enough room to comfortably fit about 6 chicas & this heffer is by herself!!! Okay, no problem, I scoot my “happy” ass over about 3 inches so as to accommodate girl with the ugly jacket. All of sudden 2 of her homegirls roll up, clamber their way up to where we’re sitting & the one who looks like Big Ang from Mob Wives proceeds to stab my big toe with her heel. There was no apology that followed that toe massacre, but what she did do was lean her big ass nose & body across me to greet some people who were to my left. Again, no apology or excuse me … she just leaned on me like I was non-existent. At this point I’m having an internal dialogue that went something like this: “Andrea, just relax. Maybe she didn’t see you, maybe it’s dark in here, maybe she didn’t feel her heel going into the meaty part of your toe, maybe she didn’t feel your big ass tits that she just leaned across ..” Maybe I was trying to talk myself out of punching this cunt in the throat, just maybe! Oh but it gets better my friends. So I now have a close eye on this bitch trio because a nosy ho like me needs to know what the fuck they’re up to. I watched them shit talk about every girl in the section (including me), hijack 2 of the Grey Goose bottles (one of which ended up in the corner behind girl with the ugly jacket) & 2 of them spilled countless contents of their drinks on my bare legs. I truly don’t mind the shit talking because I’m more than guilty of it, but these FUGLY skanks were trying to act all brand new. Bro, at least when I’m chilling in VIP I make friends with the people around me, but these bitches just thought they were extra special & were complete whores. Not to mention that they weren’t all that pretty to begin with … that might explain why they were so wretched. And I swear I’m not being a “hater”, they really weren’t that cute. My husband is eyeing me through the girls asses that are now in my face & he can see that something is amiss so he comes to sit next to me to assess the situation. When I start to explain to him what I’ve endured for the past hour he just poo-poo’s my tale of woe & says that I need to lighten up, or something to that affect. (I would like to point out that some dude we just met was having the same problem on his side of the VIP section, only it was coming from another guy…. well, he wasn’t wearing heels or shit talking about other chics, but he was being a complete asshole). Yeah, so back to my non-supportive hubby who only succeeded in aggravating me even more (has he learned nothing in the past 6 years of our union?!?), but, again, I have another internal dialogue that goes like this: “ANDREA, STOP BEING A BITCH & TRY TO HAVE FUN IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT THESE HEFFERS HAVE NOW SLOWLY INCHED YOU OFF THE SPOT YOU ORIGINALLY CLAIMED BEFORE ANY OF THEM GOT THERE & ONE OF THEM HAS BUMPED YOU IN THE HEAD AT LEAST 5 TIMES WITH HER PURSE BECAUSE SHE INSISTS ON STANDING ON TOP OF THE COUCHES TO SHAKE HER NON-EXISTENT ASS!!” I’m sorry, but I was screaming because a) it was super loud in the club & b) I was trying to talk some sense into myself.

To add insult to injury, fire to to flame, salt on the wound … 2 other girls jump up on the couch, right in front of me, & just stood there gyrating their hips inches from my beautiful eyes. At least the one with the black & white dress had a decent ass so I didn’t mind her so much. What I did mind was the fact that neither one of them had the decency to at least say “Hey, is it okay if I shake what my Mama gave me right in your site of view, you know, since I’m going to be standing in such a way that I prohibit any & all thoughts you had of trying to see Dirty South while he spins?” I’ve never wanted to leave a club so badly as I did at that moment, but I saw that Daddy & Chicken Little were having such a great time so I was NOT going to be the party pooper, which I pointed out to my husband (just so I could have that shit to use on him at a later date). I was also secretly hoping that one of these girls would topple over on the couch & make my nite, but it didn’t happen. I even contemplated “accidentally” shoving one of them, but that didn’t happen either. 

When we got in the car & I recounted my miserable time to my husband he said that I was being a bitch earlier in the evening so I was just destined to not have a good time … pfffft, feck you sir & the horse you rode in on! So what was the highlight of my nite you ask (besides leaving)????? There was someone decked out in this get up that looked like a Robo-Cop / Iron Man looking thingy, on stilts, & it was all lit up!!! Shyeah, totally made my exit from the club much more memorable. I need a re-do, ctrl-alt-delete, shake of the etch-a-sketch of Dirty South.

Alright, so in true Mean Girl fashion I wish that those girls have an itch they can’t scratch & a brain freeze that lasts for about 10 minutes (anything more than that would just be cruel, right?)

“You act like arrogance is a virtue.”

“I might be drunk, but you’re ugly & tomorrow I’ll be sober.”

Yours,

LL

My normal morning routine is to watch/listen to Channel 7 news while I’m getting ready for work & one story they featured today is what motivated this blog. Have you ever been so far down & out that you wondered just how you’re going to pay your bills, feed your family, etc.? Well, there’s a special website that caters to people who need help & those who wish to donate. I know, pretty fucken fantastic right?!? You can set up a profile as a donor, business, charity or an individual in need. It’s kinda like Facebook, but with a much better purpose. 

Back when I was a single Mom I had quit my job because I worked for a conniving, lying, lunatic &, ethically, I just couldn’t take one more day there, but I made sure that she would approve me for unemployment (I had to sign a confidentiality agreement before I left, but refused to sign it until she put in writing that she would grant me unemployment) & I was living off of $1,000 a month. Mind you, I was making about triple that amount a month so things got real rough. I learned how to finagle my finances by cutting back on everything. I was down to the absolute bare necessities & that was rent, power & food. Thankfully, my son wasn’t at the age where he was in school yet, but I can’t tell you how many peanut butter & jelly or tuna sandwiches I ate during those months! We also took the bus everywhere … however, that was actually the fun part because I tried to make it an adventure for us. If only one of these websites had existed back then maybe our quality of life would’ve been different, although (I hate to sound so cliche but I’m gonna go there) if it weren’t for that struggle I would never appreciate all the awesomeness that has become my life today! 

The name of the website is www.helpcup.org … pay it forward man! One day the shoe may be on the other foot & I sure do hope it’s a designer one.

“We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.” - Ronald Reagan

Yours,

LL

The title to my blog should be a clue as to the journey we’re about take. I’m sure many of us come from broken homes & we somehow think ours takes the cake … but seriously, I’ve yet to meet anyone who had to live with Mommy Dearest. Yes, I’m talking Joan Crawford, no more wire hangers, waking you up in the middle of the nite to clean the bathroom type shit. That was my home! 

I’ve been debating on whether or not to write this blog for a few months now because of the sensitive subject, but it’s my story & maybe someone out there can relate. 

From a very young age I’ve always felt that my Mom did a really good job of destroying anything good in my life. She would drag us to custody court hearings & did whatever she could to make my Dad look like a piece of shit. However, he didn’t really help matters. Now that I’m older I can see some of the other side, but I just wish he had fought harder for us. At that time we were his only blood daughters yet we were treated like the step-kids. The fights over money, the physical abuse from both our Mom & step-mom were just ridiculous. I felt like some fucken pawn piece in their crazy little chess game. But no matter what, I still stood up for my Dad .. until that one day where he promised to come get us & I waited for hours in the hallway with my bags packed. I remember my sister saying “Dad’s not coming” & I yelled back “Yes he is!” My heart was forever broken & from that day forward I never trusted a word he said. The quiet hate inside me just grew. I always wondered what I did wrong & why he loved his new kids more than me. But it’s so much more complicated than that. However, I wouldn’t find that out until about 3 years ago. It took more than half of my life to put these pieces back together &, truth be told, there are still HUGE holes in that puzzle. I wonder if I’ll ever know, but I find comfort in the fact that when the time is right everything will come to the surface. I remember hearing the song ‘Family Portrait’ by Pink & this one part conveyed exactly how I felt about this whole situation:

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better. Daddy please don’t leave! .. I know that she hurts you, but remember I love you too”

Growing up in a home of abuse can either make or break you. Thankfully, this little lady don’t break! For as long as I can remember there was always some sort of corporal punishment being administered to one of us kids. We were made to stand in a corner to the point of exhaustion (I actually fell down from how long I had been standing in that particular corner!), kneel on uncooked rice, do push up’s on our knuckles on the hard, cold tile … my parents even had a special paddle made that was wrapped in black electrical tape, you know, for good measure. My step-dad was old school Cuban, but my Mom, well she was just white girl Italian crazy. This is a woman who could mentally, physically, & verbally berate you to the point where you just wanted to kill a bitch! On top of that she was obsessed with cleanliness, so on any given day you could come home to find that she had dumped all your drawers & closet contents into the middle of your room & she would emphatically exclaim ” your room isn’t clean, NOW PUT IT BACK TOGETHER!” Bro, we even had a towel folding session. There was even a time where she had come home at 2am (or some ungodly hour) & declared that we hadn’t washed & dried the dishes properly so she proceeded to wake our happy asses up & make us wash, dry & put back every single thing in every single cupboard in the kitchen. Ah yes, those drunken rages of hers were quite spectacular. I was beaten so severely by her, when I was in 6th grade, that I had to wear turtlenecks & pants to school for about a week. And all because I sneaked clothes to school (uniforms weren’t mandatory, but she, of course, made me wear them!)

However, I think what got me the most was the hateful, awful things she would spew during her infamous rants. They ranged from “you’re stupid, you’ll never amount to anything, you’re nothing but a whore, you weren’t supposed to be born, etc.” The pinnacle to the insanity was when she actually put a knife up to my sister & threatened to cut her breasts off .. all because she had worked herself into some jealous rage. I will never understand what drives a person to physically harm their own child. I find it demeaning & disrespectful to put your hands on your kid in a fit of anger. 

Now don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of good times in my childhood despite all this locura & when I tell you that Christmas morning looked like Santa had set up shop in our house, that’s putting it mildly. But I always felt as if we were being bought off. It’s like Christmas was our reward for putting up with all her demented shenanigans. I would love to remember any semblance of normalcy we had growing up, but I carry such hurt from all the damage she did, so those “good” memories just fade in the distance & give way to the senseless shit.

This story runs deeper than I care to dictate, but I find it cathartic to write. I also want to convey the fact that I turned out quite remarkable despite being a product of such a shattered home. I’ve never let what’s happened to me mandate the outcome of my life, but rather seen it as a blueprint for how I currently raise my son. I don’t put him down, I build him up. I point out that no dream is too small or big. I emphasize what an incredible Dad he has. I tell him I love him every single day even when I’m mad at him. However, the most triumphant part is that I’m not repeating history & I’m SHOWING my son what it is to grow up in a normal, loving home. That, my friends, is the cream cheese icing on the cake!! Thanks for letting me share :)

“Once upon a time there was a girl,

In her early years she had to learn

How to grow up living in a war that she called home,

Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm.”

When was the last time you paid $8.75 for a sandwich?!? When the waitron nonchalantly laid down the bill & I saw that price for an omelette sandwich I almost had a melt down. Well, if you ask my husband he would definitely say I had a full blown melt down, but fuck me … $8.75????? I just couldn’t let this slide, much to the Mr.’s embarrassment. Now before I went off on the window lady I did some 007 work & perused the menu to get an idea of what their pricing structure was. The desayuno (breakfast for my gringo friends) special is $5.95 & you can get scrambled eggs with some kind of meat, tostada, hashbrowns or fries AND a cafe con leche. So why the fuck are they charging me $8.75 for the same thing minus the cafe con leche? Did I pay for extra for them having to place the eggs inside the bread & put it in that tin foil laden bread smasher thingy?? Oh no, according to window pane there’s a $1 charge per extra ingredient (ham & swiss cheese). Que que? So on the desayuno special I can get the meat included in the cost, but when I want a sandwich I have to pay extra for it? AND I don’t get a cafe con leche? AND I’m paying $2.80 more? I’m no mathematician, but something doesn’t jive here. I was ‘splaining this to window lady & this numb nuts was looking at me like I had sprouted an extra head … I could see that it wasn’t computing in her pint sized brain. I wanted so badly to argue my case but, when under pressure, my Spanish speaking skills diminish & my point gets lost. My vernacular is much better in English & I get to use smart sounding big words, which we all know helps when you’re trying to negotiate an $8.75 sandwich! I also had my non-confrontational husband shrinking beside me on the bench & I’m sure he was thinking “I just wanted an omelette sandwich & this bitch is about to ruin it!” It’s okay, he can call me a bitch in his head. 

So we left, minus the cafe con leche, but next time I promise not to go down so easily. I’ll use verbs in the wrong context & add o’s to the end of words to get my point across, but dammit I will NEVER pay $8.75 for an omelette sandwich EVER again. 

FUCK YOU LATIN AMERICA CAFE … ON PINES BLVD.

*** SPOILER ALERT: For those who haven’t started reading I disclose some important parts, but not in great detail so read at your own risk ***

It finally happened. I succumbed to the hype & started reading 50 Shades of Grey last night. I stayed up until 3am reading the first 12 chapters & here’s my take thus far —- first, I’ve come to realize that just about every woman is an undercover ho/freak. I can’t tell you how many FB posts & tweets I’ve seen from women singing their praises for this Adonis character. I know I’m only 12 chapters into a trilogy pero homeboy is a serious masochist, a cold, calculating asshole at times & the only thing I find remotely attractive about him is his looks & maybe just a little of his power. And, ladies, I’d like to point out that Mr. Christian Grey has copper hair & gray eyes so stop posting photos of dudes with black hair & blue eyes! 

Okay, so Mr. Grey has some serious Daddy/Mommy issues & comes off, so far, as a deeply troubled soul. Hence the reason for his need to be so domineering, but he obviously has some kind of heart under all that steel because it’s apparent he’s smitten with Anastasia. BUT, hold the motherfucken pay phone for a second Superman … did he just ask her to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement prior to them engaging in any type of coitus?!? AND give her a contract describing what Dominant & Submissive will and won’t do (safe words & all)?!? She’s basically being asked to enter into a Master/Slave relationship. which is to last for 3 months, wherein he has full power over her. He has a “playroom”, which I will leave that to your imagination, but I will point out that Anastasia calls it the “Red Room of Pain.” Yeah, how about no. The only part of the contract that I actually like & would concede to is the personal trainer 4 times a week, him buying me clothes & lingerie & paying for beauty salon services, but that would make me somewhat of an escort, right?! Not that I have a problem with that, just pointing out the obvious. 

So skip ahead a chapter or two here & they get their freak on. What’s the clincher you ask? She’s a 21 year old virgin, has never masturbated yet she has her first orgasm from him playing with her nipples alone. Then she goes on to have 2 more orgasms via penetration (rough penetration on the first one I might add, which she likes despite the fact that she’s tighter than a vacuum packed jar) Oh & then this little virgin is all of sudden a fellatio expert. I ain’t buying it sister! I’m calling shenanigan’s on this whole first encounter. 

Anywho, it’s definitely an interesting read although the author’s prose could use some variety because she overly uses the words hitch/hitched, holy crap, oh crap & oh my. I have to admit that I now must know how this story ends & I’m sure I’ll be writing a few more blogs as I get deeper into the grey area. 

“Reading will give you lasting pleasure” — Laura Bush

Let me preface this blog by saying that I’m NOT political in any sense of the word. I just try to keep up with current events, if you will, so pardon my ignorance in the following rant. In the absence of my satellite radio subscription in my car, I’ve been reduced to listening to talk radio 610 WIOD … wait … when the hell did I become such an old fart that I actually ENJOY listening to talk radio while I’m driving?!? Even I surprise the hell out of myself sometimes!

Anyway, so for weeks I’ve been listening to the idiocracy of Glenn Beck every morning and, even though, at times he seems to make some sort of sense he somehow manages to take about 50 steps back with one of his Baptist preacher-like proclamations about how our nation is about to completely go under & you must save yourself, yada, yada, yada … he must be cousins with Chicken Little because dude lives under a perpetually falling sky.

This particular morning he was bashing Al Sharpton for his sudden change of heart with the whole Trayvon Martin issue. Now that charges have been filed against Zimmerman, Al Sharpton has now begun to talk about love & peace (in the very beginning he wasn’t so nice about how he felt this situation should’ve been handled), which Glenn Beck seems to have a problem with because, at the onset of this tragedy, Sharpton was, of course, on his racial soap box. I, in no way, condone most of Al Sharpton’s actions and I too believe that many times he’s the first one in line to beat that racial card to death, BUT I have to call a spade a spade in this instance. Here Glenn Beck is calling Sharpton out for promoting love, etc., etc., but this is the same man who is hosting a 3 day convention in Dallas, TX. called “Restoring Love” … the same man who, on a daily basis, “urges” his listeners to purchase his bible propaganda, invest in Goldline.com, & has an entire radio company named Mercury, which in case you don’t know is an element known to be highly toxic. I find it highly appropriate that he would choose this name for his company because if you listen to this lunatic for too long you’ll become infected with his irreverent, retarded rhetoric. Bro, live & let live. Stop trying to make something out of nothing. Mind your ‘effin business. There’s a reason why you got fired from FOX News & that’s saying a lot because they’re the worst news company in the history of news stations, yet THEY fired YOU! Glenn Beck was too fucken crazy for FOX News, oh the irony! 

With that being said, I banish him to the island!!! That’s an inside joke, but basically it means that I’d wish he’d fall off the planet … or be sent to Pluto … or go work for Marshall’s by Marshall’s … AGAIN, these last 2 things are seriously inside jokes, but if you knew where they originated from you’d completely agree with me. Or not. I could give a rats ass whichever way. hehe

“Poets, priests and politicians,
Have words to thank for their positions.
Words that scream for their submission,
And no one’s jamming their transmission.
‘Cos when their eloquence escapes you
Their logic ties you up and rapes you!!”

Oh but where to begin with this topic?!? I’ve never been the type of chic who rolls with a huge posse of girlfriends. I normally was hanging with my brother’s friends, much to his chagrin, but for some reason I just gravitated towards guys because they were so uncomplicated. I have 3 women friends: my sister Meredith, my best friend Yesenia of 22 years & Strawberry (aka Angie). These 3 women are the only ones that I trust implicitly (and my husband too, but he’s a guy friend & I’m talking about my girl friends for now). Most girls I’ve met say the same thing about having girl friends. The main complaints are that they are drama llama’s, catty, untrustworthy, etc. But au contraire, mon frere, I believe that most times we are so quick to want to relate to another female that we miss all the signs & red flags these so-called friends throw our way. I’m of the opinion that when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them! I pay attention to what people tell me & then watch what they actually do because most times these chics just run their mouth about who they want you to think they are. 

Let me elucidate you with the red flags I’ve encountered —

Red flag: Ms. Independent: When a female says that she doesn’t have any girl friends because she can’t trust them. Shyeah, right! More often than not she’s the one who can’t be trusted so just do yourself a favor & walk away from that one because she’s gonna come in like a F5 tornado & fuck shit up in your life. 

Red flag: Flip flopping floozy: The one who gets drunk, flirts with your man & every other guy in the joint, but has a boyfriend. This one usually claims that she really wants to break up with her man, but doesn’t know how. Yet she’s all lovey-dovey with him AND they’re still together. She’s as needy as they come & I just don’t have the patience for phony’s & liars, which she’s both. NEXT!

Red flag: Stage 5 clinger: This type is kinda tricky because she’s always very sweet & unassuming, but then she becomes like that booger you get stuck on your finger & you’re waving it out the window, trying to flick it off, but alas IT’S STILL THERE!! She’s the one who becomes your bestie after 30 minutes of meeting you. In my opinion, this is the worst one because she’s normally a wacka-doo. Run far, far away & never look back.

Listen, I’m not hating on mademoiselle’s, pero I’ve come across some real bitches in my lifetime. And while I’m a very honest & open person, I’m also very careful about the friends I keep. Sure, I have lots of lady acquaintances & most of them are extremely wonderful ladies, but I just choose to keep my girl friend circle tight. Quality over quantity is how I feel. I’ve been burned by a few lady friends in my time, but they’ve each taught me something very valueable, which is that real friends are hard to come by so hold on & nurture the awesome ones in your life.

“A friend is someone who sees through you & still enjoys the view!”

Ladies, we’ve all been the victim of the dreaded ‘toilet paper on the bottom of your heel’, so next time instead of primping in front of the mirror with your girls may I suggest this quick 5 step check you should do before exiting any public bathroom?!?

1. Look down & actually lift your feet up off the ground to make sure there’s no nasty toilet paper stuck to your lovely heels!

2. Since you’re already standing in front of the mirror, turn around & look at your derrière. No, not to admire it, but to be sure that your skirt or dress isn’t tucked into your panties and/or that you don’t have any embarrassing stains.

3. Pit check is mandatory!!! Just a quick sniff on BOTH sides ladies, operative word being “both” because if one smells most likely the other one does too. Most bathrooms have an attendant & they always have deodorant, do everyone a favor & use it (and tip the lady too). There’s nothing more unattractive than a smelly chica.

4. After you’ve reapplied your lipstick, get up close to that mirror & smile at yourself. This is to verify that you don’t have anything stuck in between or on your teeth, not to play ‘mirror, mirror on the wall’ you narcissist!

5. And last, but most certainly not least, check your breath. No one wants to be subjected to your halitosis or alcohol infused dragon breath. The best way to analyze the funkiness of your mouth is to lick the back of your hand, wait for it to dry & then smell it. If it reeks then that’s what everyone around you is smelling so, again, make use of that bathroom attendant or ask one of your friends for some gum.

Trust me, after all the nights I’ve spent out in the bars & clubs I’ve quite possibly seen it all & I’ve consistently adhered to this 5 step quickie. This Little Lady has always been nice enough to at least tell a chic when she’s in violation of any the above so I wrote this in the hopes that maybe one day you’ll pay it forward as well! :)

So over the weekend my husband & I decided to finally go to Schnelby Winery down in Homestead since we had about 3-4 hours to kill while his son was hanging out with his new flavor of the month. If you’ve ever seen a real winery you’ll probably be very disappointed with this place. Just think of a small factory with a double wide trailer thrown off to the side. We signed up for the “tour”, which I immediately regretted once our tour “guide” started his presentation in the courtyard right next to a wedding reception that had Bachata music screaming at you. You couldn’t hear a lick of what he was saying unless you were practically standing on top of him! He was going on & on about how much money they spent on the small entrance building and the vegetation (I believe he said $6M), yet I couldn’t help but notice that the grass we were standing on was deader than the popped collar trend.  I guess after all that money they spent they just couldn’t afford some sprinklers or fertilizer. Next we walk into a quaint little area where there are high picnic tables underneath a huge tiki hut with a pond that goes all around it and a small waterfall. People were hanging out there with food they brought from home & bottles of Schnelby wine. So this dude is still droning on with boring, meaningless information about how they got started, blah, blah, blah … now I’m all about hearing other people’s stories, but he just came off as an overzealous employee, who’s obviously been with the company since inception, & there was no clear cut direction to his story telling. Also, his pleated khaki’s were so wrinkled that they looked like they had come straight out of one of their wine bottles & his shirt had a few big, noticeable stains. I just think that if you’re going to be the face of a company you should at least look the part.

Okay, so here’s my favorite part because I just couldn’t believe that they would even include this in the tour. He brings us to a double wide trailer set back amongst this cozy little deck/pond/tiki hut area & proceeds to tell us that this used to be something or other, but now it’s the offices. Again, I notice that the vegetation is in dire need of maintenance (palms with dead leaves, mulch/wood chips that looked like they hadn’t been replaced in months, etc.), not to mention that it would help if they had someone at least pick up some of the trash that found its way there, but the optimist in me just thought “Well at least they’re keeping it real by making it look a little messy in front of the trailer!” We move on to a freezing cold room, with 4 stainless steel thingy’s, where said wine is made & he had us in there for 20 minutes!!! Mind you I’m wearing leggings, a tank top & sandals so the first 5 minutes in my poor phalanges are just about frozen. This retard is now rambling about corks, soda, the bottling process & all the while we are slowly turning into Eskimo’s. The only real highlight was that we were going to get to sample one of the wines straight from the thingy … in the cold ass room. I almost threw up in my mouth when I tasted that crap. To my horror, there were people in there who actually finished what was in their cup … ewwwww!!! The tour ends on that sour note & we make a beeline for the wine tasting area because I’m still holding out hope that there is some good wine to be had in this factory of a winery. Negative son, didn’t happen! We tried 10 different wines & the only one that was tolerable was a guava-vino. Most of them reeked of a turpentine equivalent smell & all of them had this strange after taste that reminded me of a dirty, soggy band-aid.  Needless to say we didn’t purchase any of the wines. I’m no wine connoisseur, but dammit this Little Lady knows when something good hits the palette & these wines obliterated the mark.

The upside is that I can scratch this off my to-do list, but it also made my love for beer stronger than ever!!

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza!” – Dave Barry

With the New Year only 4 days away it’s about time we all start talking about our resolutions, right?!? Let’s go to dictionary.com for a sec & acquaint ourselves with the actual meaning of the word:

res-o-lu-tion [rez-uh-loo-shuh’n]

noun

1. a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution

2. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

3. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

4. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

5. the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.

So every year most of us take a stance on how we want the new year to go. We make feeble proclamations about shedding those pesky 10 lbs, spending more time with family, starting a new hobby, etc., but rarely do we follow through because with our busy schedules & affinity to having the attention span of a goldfish, by the time the end of January comes those resolutions become a distant, faded memory as we get wrapped up in a little thing called life. Well this little lady is determined not to become languid about my resolutions this year!! I’m setting some major & minor goals & I’m going to hold myself accountable because, honey, NO ONE cares about you the way that you do. All too often I hear people blaming others for their shortcomings, but let’s be honest no one is forcing you to eat that Krispy Kreme or have a less-than-sunny disposition. As Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Here’s the gospel: You were born alone so stop waiting for anyone else, but yourself, to make those resolutions a reality. 

Okay, so let me try to answer the question in the title of this blog ‘What’s in a resolution?’ It comes down to the 3 C’s of life … Choices, Changes & Chances. You have a choice, every day, to create your own path in life. You have to be willing to take chances that bring about change. Yes, I know most are scared of that horrific word “change”, but as soon as you the face reality that it’s one of the constants in this world you’ll be better equipped to deal with it & all the beautiful things it can bring.

Now that I’ve clearly enlightened you with my oh-so humble opinion I’ll jump off my soap box & get down to brass tacks. Just what are my resolutions you ask?? This is the scary part because I’m laying down my guard, showing my vulnerability & putting it out there on the worldwide web where I’ll be even more compelled, dare I say obligated, to not falter on my resolve. I faintly hear the word change being chanted in my subconscious so here goes everything …

1. Cut down & eventually quit smoking!!

 This is a big one & my husband is going to be so happy, but I think I’m ready. Even though I only smoke when I drink, & I don’t ever feel the need to smoke on a daily basis, it’s a nasty habit & it’s one I would surely benefit from. 

2. Write a blog once a week.

I’ve become a bit complacent with my writing & I know I’m good at it, but I let life & laziness take over. I forget how much I truly love writing & I’m reminded every time I write one of these blogs.

3. Dedicate more quality time to my son.

As parents, it’s a struggle to carve out time with our kids, but it’s crucial to their well-being. I am making a promise to do something with him at least once a week. Just him & I, one-on-one. Right now we try to watch a show together every Thursday, but I have to say that I haven’t been diligent about it. No more! He’s an amazing boy who deserves time with his old lady. :)

4. Take a family vacation.

This can be tough because of the nature of my husband’s job & also the fact that hotels, flights, etc. ain’t cheap! You’re easily looking at $1,000 minimum to do anything remotely exciting, but this will just tie in to another resolution: saving money. I really suck at saving, but I know I can do anything I set my crazy mind to.

5. Revamp my tumblr site.

I consider myself somewhat tech savvy, but tumblr is just a site that eludes me. I need to tap back into my Myspace days where I pimped out my page & would spent countless hours on those damn codes! I want to make it more user friendly where people can share my blogs on all the social network sites that are out there, etc. Anyone reading this that can help me out I would be so appreciative. 

6. Compete in a Crossfit competition.

This is my final resolution for 2012, but it’s another big one. I know I have it in me. I’m one tough bitch so it’s time to get serious, work on my weaknesses & shut up & squat! Crossfit Storm (http://crossfitstorm.com/) has changed my life & now it’s up to me to show myself, and my peers, just how much I want it. It’s time to go full beast mode!!!

There you have it mi gente. Just 6 resolutions, which may not seem like much, but to me they are just enough. I plan to write a blog quarterly (every 3 months) updating you on where I’m at with each of my goals. I wish you all a happy, successful New Year & I hope to have inspired some of you to honestly try to attain your resolutions for 2012.

“Believe in yourself with all of your heart. People will notice!”

The feds have FINALLY caught on to the shenanigans of the Marlins with this whole stadium nonsense. There was a lot of controversy surrounding this issue & a lot of Miami-Dade county commissioners were blatantly against it, but Norman Braman (yes, the car dealership owner) had the biggest dog in this fight as he filed a lawsuit back in ‘08 in a feeble attempt to stop the building of this new ballpark. I’d to point out that I called this one awhile back. No one in South Florida gives a rats ass about baseball, unless they are in the playoffs, so I never understood the justification for a baseball stadium. Much less one that seats a whopping 37,000 people! Also, weren’t these the same Marlins who claimed not to have the money to build this stadium & went so far as to “threaten” to leave South Florida by saying that they needed public funding to stay, yet now they’re throwing around figures like $27M for Heath Bell, $106M for Jose Reyes & $200M for Albert Pujols?!? They’re making the Yankees & Red Sox look like paupers with all this new found cheddar.

I wonder if most people from the lovely city of Miami know that they, the taxpayers, are footing more than 3/4 (or 80%) of the cost of this $634M stadium? I also wonder just how many of these taxpayers are going to fill those 37,000 seats, which seem to always look devastatingly empty when you see the games on TV?? My advice, if I may, is that Miami better start taking a liking to baseball & hit up those games so you can at least feel that your hard earned tax dollars aren’t a complete & utter waste. Oh wait, they already are.

SIDE NOTE: I didn’t know that Mr. Braman had a hand in bringing Art Basel to Miami! I seriously learn something new every day :)

Want more deets about the juicy investigation? Read them here:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/12/02/2529191/feds-open-sec-probe-into-miami.html

Pardon my slight hiatus in posting a blog, but when my creative juices aren’t flowing I just can’t bring myself to write. I like to put a lot of thought into what I write & sometimes that’s my own worst enemy. But, truth be told, I’ve also been a tad bit lazy! :)

Moving on now … I’m here to talk about one of my favorite things, PURSES!! The creator & owner of Navoh, Larry Ho, is someone I met at the place where my husband & I Crossfit at. I actually found out about his business when we had an inebriated conversation at Grand Central after one of our Crossfit social events. I told him that I wanted to write a blog about him that night, but I honestly couldn’t really recall all the details about how he got his start (one of the side effects when I drink!) so I asked him if we could sit down so I could actually interview him. After a gruelling WOD (Crossfit lingo for workout of the day) one Thursday night we hit the La Carreta on Miramar Parkway to chat. I almost fell out of the booth we were sitting in when Larry, an Asian dude, spoke perfect Spanish to the waitress. I personally think the waitress was more surprised than all of us!! Yeah, so I bet you can already guess what my first question was … for the slow people, I asked how he learned to speak Spanish. Larry moved to Panama when he was 5 yrs old until the age of 16 where his family then migrated to the East side of Hialeah. We were more kindred spirits than I could have ever imagined, which just goes to show that everyone has an interesting story. Anyway, I didn’t want this “interview” to seem formal & I wanted it to flow naturally so after some small talk, plenty of jokes courtesy of my husband, & about 2 margaritas for me I simply began by asking innocent questions about his purse line. 

 I was curious as to how he came up with name & he informed me that it was his girlfriend & his last name spelled backwards (hers: van his: ho = navoh). Pretty clever & very sweet, but then what if the relationship doesn’t work out?!? He’s stuck with the constant reminder! hehe Okay, so then I naturally wondered how a man got into the purse making business & he went on to explain that his family used to be in the shoes/accessories business so it was an easy transition for him since he had a lot of contacts already. All the purses are made in China & I must say that the quality is impeccable. Right now they are sold in 60 Nordstrom stores in the trends department & in a plethora of boutiques across the US, but of course he would love to expand, which is the ultimate goal on his quest for a globally recognized brand. Navoh has already been featured in about 9 different magazines such as Redbook, Oprah, & In Style to name a few. Quite impressive for a business he only started a year ago. While I was perusing his website (http://www.navoh.com/shop/) I noted that all the bags had women’s names & the innate “detective” in me knew there was a sure reason for this. He clued me in on the fact that each name represents the people he started the company with. It’s those little details that I feel make the brand even neater. I asked what this next step was & he said that they are working on having seasonal collections, but that he just wants to make versatile yet trendy bags. As a woman who loves accessories I can’t argue with that! 

 To end the interview I came up with 4 off the wall questions:

 AB: Would you rather lose old memories or never be able to make new ones?

LH: Lose old memories (I’d like to point out that it took him awhile to answer this & we went back & forth on the pros & cons of each scenario)

AB: What’s your favorite curse word?

LH: Fuck (he didn’t hesitate on this one!)

AB: Toilet paper or wipes?

LH: Toilet paper, wipes seem too bougie & expensive.

AB: What is the one thing that you know you do differently than most people?

LH: I eat fast ?? (this is another question he had difficulty answering)

“Those who create are rare; those who cannot are numerous. Therefore, the latter are strong.” - Coco Chanel

Here’s a pika of me sporting a Navoh at my birthday celebration in September … exquisite, right?!? I meant the purse, not me. ;)

At long last people, here it is: the bio of my husband DJ Hans! I always wondered why he didn’t have one already, but I finally figured it out; he was waiting for ME to come along & put this masterpiece together. I must say that this has been the most gruelling piece I’ve written to date, but only because his concept of time is profoundly skewed. What he thinks happened last week was actually 7 months ago! Plus, this was a story that needed to be told the right way as it highlights the career of the other man who holds a piece of my heart (my son claimed the first half). Happy reading ladies & gentlemen …..

DJ Hans, born on 7/28/73 as Hans Batista, hails all the way from Havana, Cuba where he & his family migrated to the U.S. (Miami, FL to be exact!) in 1980 on a makeshift raft out of banana leaves & plywood. This early resolve would set the standard for his tenacity to live out his dream and make his mark in the DJ world. His first real interaction with the art of DJ’ing came at the precocious age of 11 when he & his upstairs neighbor decided to join forces, each with their single turntable to make 2 wheels of steel, & DJ Hans started experimenting with scratching to, the very apropos song by Egyptian Lover, “What is a DJ if he can’t Scratch”. At this age, he also had his first brush with producing by editing his recordings on his Realistic tape deck. By age 13, DJ Hans & his cousin extraordinaire, Aramis Lorie (aka Jokey Jam), began earnestly dabbling with DJ’ing with their aberrant pairing of a Realistic & Gemini turntable & Pyramid mixer. However, this charismatic duo would be put on hold for about a year as DJ Hans briefly relocated to California where he had his first encounter with the almighty Technic 1200’s. He was exposed to the sounds of disco & freestyle being played at a high speed by a Mexican DJ. His stint on the west coast was short lived due to him being a menace to society, but this gave him the opportunity to link back up with Aramis & get back to work on his craft, where they began experimenting with the classics such as Dominatrix, Running by Information Society, Planet Rock, Gigolo Tony, etc. … and all of this from his cousin’s apartment in Hialeah, done in true Cuban style! DJ Hans is never one to shy away from creativity, or his next big idea, & so was born Quixotic DJ’s, which started with just himself & Aramis doing house parties until they ultimately destroyed the Technic speakers they had “borrowed” from Aramis’ dad. Like everything in life, all good things must come to an end & Quixotic DJ’s eventually fizzled out, but DJ Hans just moved on to his next adventure, which was Nightlife Productions, where he threw some of the best parties at Hot Wheels, banquet halls, and small clubs all over Miami.

The year is now 1994 & this is where DJ Hans gets his first real taste of the nightclub arena by having the privilege to work with Lisa Cox, who was with Women of the World & was known as the biggest promoter in the gay & lesbian scene. He got to play at some of the most iconic clubs on South Beach such as Warsaw, Amnesia, Cameo, Pacha, and Salvation & was also a part of the exalted rooftop parties, some of which took place at the Sony building & The Collection in Coral Gables. DJ Hans got to play alongside the distinguished DJ JoJo Odyssey whose affinity for house music, as it was evolving, had an immense impact on Hans. During this time, the after hours culture was just revving up so, instinctively, DJ Hans got in on the action & was spinning at local clubs Boomerang & Mickey’s, to name a few. Keep in mind that he was simultaneously doing weddings & private & corporate events, which allowed him to explore the many depths of the open format style.

DJ Hans then went to DJ for an underground radio station called Fever Radio, which subsequently got shut down by Power 96, & that gave him the interest to be a part of the radio realm. As he ventured into the beginning of the millennium (luckily DJ Hans’ bank accounts & computer survived the impending Y2K “disaster”) along came Ovidio Santiago, who was the Promotions Director at a local Miami radio station, Mega 103.5. Ovidio earnestly believed in DJ Hans & what he had to offer the music industry so he gave this DJ a break. This is where his DJ’ing career was about to reach new heights & this radio station was the catalyst! Aside from being an on-air talent, doing the coveted 5pm traffic mix, DJ Hans was the official DJ for events such as KC & The Sunshine Band Signing Party, Disco Inferno 1 & 2 concert series, Madonna’s GHV2 concert (greatest hits volume 2), Cher’s ‘HBO Farwell Tour Special’ concert & Phil Collins VIP Party. He also did mixes for Party 93.1 & was the opening DJ for John Secada, Paul Van Dyke, George Acosta & ATB at Party 93.1’s 2004 4^th of July bash. He also played at the 2004 Freestyle Concert Reunion, which was also sponsored by Party 93.1. Concurrently, he submitted a video to Mountain Dew in the hopes of landing a job with them as not only a DJ, but to be the manager of their street promotions & local events. With his gregarious attitude he was, naturally, a perfect fit. DJ Hans did a plethora of local events with Mountain Dew, as well as some in Milwaukee & the X-Games in Orlando, FL. Never one to back down from work, he additionally took on a position with Red Bull at their Miami Red Bull Music Academy, which had him playing at the Diesel store in NYC, club Twilo & at the legendary Bartender’s Bash in Key West, FL. Next up was an opportunity to work with Coca-Cola for their Latino concert series.

Amidst this whirlwind of amazing concerts & exposure, he started DJ’ing at Cocowalk’s notorious college night Thursdays at Fat Tuesday & the annual Mardi Gras & Halloween block parties where thousands of people, from all the various ‘burbs in Miami, come together for a night of debauchery. Speaking of debauchery, DJ Hans was about to up the ante at a Ft. Lauderdale club called Rush Street. He started what they dubbed the “Wall of Fame”, which basically was a collage of photos of girl’s breasts. You’ve heard the stories of the groupies & the ones who want to hang in the DJ booth so the pre-requisite to do so at Rush Street was to have your boobs photographed & proudly posted on the wall. It got so infamous that this “wall” ended up taking up the adjoining hallway wall & wrapped into the manager’s office! However, this lasciviousness was brief as he met his wife the following year &, no, she never made it on that wall! Loving the current scene that was transpiring on Riverfront in Ft. Lauderdale back in 2006, DJ Hans was able to get a weekly Saturday gig with Side Bar after Rush Street shut down. This, in turn, lead to him doing live broadcasts with Y100 for Art Bar & West Palm Beach’s Wild 95.5 for Blue Martini in West Palm Beach & Boca Raton. However, he was missing his Miami gente so he seized an opportunity take over one of the longest running ladies night in South Florida at a place called Gatsby’s, located in the heart of Kendall. He was able to breathe life back into this well-known Wednesday night, much to the appreciation of the locals. As always, DJ Hans is never one to rest on his laurels & in 2007 he went on to win 2^nd place in a Denon sponsored mash-up contest. From there he was able to seek a weekly radio show on Wild 95.5 show called ‘Wild House Sessions’, which aired every Friday & Saturday & garnered him more publicity with the locals & his steadfast fans.

Wanting to remain relevant in this ever fluctuating industry is what has kept DJ Hans a permanent staple in many clubs from Miami to West Palm Beach to this very day &, thus far; despite his late-night club jobs he has always maintained his busy daytime schedule with plenty of corporate events, private parties & weddings. Keep in mind that throughout his entire career he has rigorously maintained his penchant for producing tracks, making mash-ups and coming up with his signature mixes. In 2011 DJ Hans was voted as the Best Club DJ by the Broward/West Palm Beach New Times. What made this victory the sweetest was that it was based on the reader’s votes so the politics was kept separate from the actual talent.

The music industry has been known to chew people up & spew them out like last night’s final round of tequila shots, but DJ Hans has held fast to his undying passion & has never wavered from his one true ambition & calling in life. Raised with tremendous integrity, respect, & a work ethic uncanny to most, he finds a way to keep it classy & simple in a way of life most people would deem complicated & seedy.

“Life is like music; it must be composed by year, feeling and instinct, not by rule.” – Samuel Butler

http://listn.to/DJHans

http://www.djhans.com

http://crack4djs.net/djhans

http://soundcloud.com/djhans

http://twitter.com/djhansmiami

 http://www.youtube.com/user/djhans305

I know the VMAs were 3 weeks ago, but this little lady has been busy and as the saying goes, “better late than never.” Okay, kay, kay so after catching the VMAs a day after they aired, I’m actually glad I didn’t forgo watching True Blood for the craptacular show that MTV have the audacity to put on! I would ask the rhetorical question of where to begin with my rant, but in the befitting words of the amazing Julie Andrews “let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” The pre-show reminded me of a bunch of ants just milling around after someone stomps on the ant pile. There was a station with a VJ reading off a flat screen TV showing a live Twitter feed & then they would kick it back to another VJ who had wrangled a celeb off the red carpet to do a 5 second interview of typical & brainless questions such as “Who are you looking forward to seeing tonight?” or the ever popular mundane “Who are you wearing?” Yawn. This was a sign of what was to come … I should’ve seen the writing on the wall!  

I have long gotten over the ridiculous spectacle that has become Lady Gaga. Is she talented? Hell yes! To say otherwise would be a blatant lie, but her quest to be so freakishly different comes across as someone who is trying too hard. We get it Gaga, now stop it! I thought her opening act as Joe Calderone was idiotic, boring & just another one of her ploys to be on her own jock & shout from her “monstrous” soap box. The best part of her performance was when she fell off the piano. Period. One of the few highlights of the show was that the Foo Fighters, after 11 nominations, finally won a very well-deserved moon man for their video “Walk”. Also, the rock bands that were nominated didn’t suck for the first time in a loooong time. So let’s talk about Ms. Minaj’s outfit for a brief moment. Was she going to a slumber party after the VMA’s? The top half of her ensemble looked like body armor, while the bottom was a hot mess of tube socks, Hello Kitty shit hanging off of things & house slippers. Whackety-whack sweetie! Then, I almost threw my remote control at the TV, hoping it would smack Nicki Minaj upside her Victorian style wig, when she shouted that “Little Wayne is the best rapper alive.” Listen homegirl, just because Weezy F. Baby is your boss doesn’t mean you have to run around brown nosing every chance you get. Plus, your nose might grow telling all those whoppers. Up next was Mr. 305 himself with the oh-so played out, but catchy tune “Give Me Everything Tonight” (c’mon on now, you know all the damn words & probably have caught yourself singing it in your head). They even panned the camera to Busta Rhymes & Wiz Khalifa nodding their heads along to the jam. However, I couldn’t figure out why they had Nayer (the chic who sings one line on the entire track) on stage with them. She was as useless as tits on a bull and that body stocking thingy she was wearing was atrocious!  

Bieber, Bieber, Bieber … give me the strength oh mighty one! I NEVER had, or ever will have, Bieber fever & personally think the kid is a little douche bag who acts like a divo everywhere he goes, so I guess I should’ve expected his ludicrous acceptance speech where he thanked both God & Jesus. Ugh … yeah, whatever! The fact that he beat out Bruno Mars, Cee-Lo, Eminem & Kanye West for best male video was bad enough & then we were subjected to his lame ass spiel. NEXT!!! Chris Brown is starting to make me wonder if he’s pulling a Milli Vanilli on all of us because he’s always lip-syncing. Dude, I know you wanna express yourself through the art of dance, but if Beyonce can get up there in 6” stilettos, pregnant & still shake a tail feather, well then so can you! I will admit that the dancing was pretty good & the music selection was alright as he transitioned from “Yeah 3X”, to Wu-Tang’s “Protect Your Neck” and then Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, but instead of busting a move to that great Nirvana jam he just bent down on one knee & head banged. Lame-O! And just FYI, the little aerial show he did with the invisible wires flinging him over the audience was not that impressive despite what most websites were touting. He looked like he was trying to be Jesus Christ superstar or something. He’s another performer who’s starting to jump incessantly on my last nerve. My advice is that the next time he attempts an aeronautical show he should take notes from Pink’s Grammy performance of “Glitter In The Air”, where she in fact sings all the while doing aerial flips, etc. What’s more, I would’ve loved to have punched Kanye in the throat for standing up throughout the entire performance. It’s not like he didn’t have a good vantage point from his FRONT ROW seats. Yet another asshole VMA moment brought to you by the king himself! So now we come to the part in the show where Britney Spears is presented with the Vanguard award &, once again, there was Lady Gaga trying to steal the spotlight as they awkwardly made some feeble attempt to recreate the infamous kiss between Mrs. Spears & Madge. In the words of my pre-pubescent son I believe that little exchange was an “epic FAIL!” Also, was it me or did it seem unnervingly weird that Gaga was skulking & leering behind Britney as she made her speech? She’s like that pesky little sister who just hangs around at the most inopportune times. However, Britney was gracious & sincere as she announced the newly preggers Beyonce, who was nothing short of spectacular in her purple sequined blazer & fierce high heels. Her performance was very reminiscent of the Motown R&B groups of the 50’s (think Four Tops, Temptations, etc.).   

SIDE BAR: I would be in remiss to not mention the beautiful & über talented Ms. Jessie J who was singing old classics & new hits between performances. That’s something that should’ve been televised instead of giving us snippets of her as they faded to commercial breaks.  Double sad face for MTV! 

 I think that the category of ‘Best New Artist’ is always one of the best since we get to see some break out stars & while I’m not taking anything away from the talent of Tyler the Creator, I just couldn’t get over two things: 1) his entourage; I mean, really, are you that insecure that you have to roll up on stage with your entire high school crew to accept your moon man?!? and 2) the barrage of profanity he spewed while trying to assemble some sort of thanks for his award. I’m sure his Mama taught him better than that and I can’t help but wonder if she was as embarrassed for him as I was. Up next was the steamy Jared Leto to present the next performer, which was Young the Giant & these guys did not disappoint. They had thousands of fans packed into that theater jumping & singing along with them & it really reminded me of the very first time I saw Muse perform in the same realm back at the 2009 VMAs. And now we come to the somber spot on the show where everyone acted as if they truly loved Amy Winehouse all along & didn’t talk smack all these years about what a wasted talent she was. Let’s be honest, she released two albums (Frank & Back to Black), which the latter only spawned 2 real hit singles (‘Rehab & ‘You Know I’m No Good’) & the rest of her career was plagued by her drug & alcohol fueled antics, which, unfortunately, overshadowed every ounce of talent she had. I, personally, was waiting for her to get her shit together & give us another masterpiece, but let’s not ignore the big elephant in the room. We all knew it was only a matter of time before she died. Props to Bruno Mars for doing a fantastic rendition of this little lady’s all time favorite joint by the late Ms. Winehouse, ‘Valerie’. Then the exquisite Adele put on a provincial, yet stirring, performance of ‘Someone like You’. We all know she suffers from severe stage fright & I found her nervousness to be quite endearing, even when she went off key a little in the very beginning. However, she recovered nicely & was able to show all the VMA veteran performers that less is always more!  

At this point, I had a pithy glimpse of hope that I hadn’t entirely wasted the past two hours of my time, but that was awfully short lived as the one they call Lil’ Wayne took to the stage. Oh … my … word! Now if you’ve ever watched the Behind The Music special on VH1 or did a quick Google search you would know that this man was an exceptionally gifted child growing up. Yeah, gifted as in above average academically, not gifted as in retarded, but one would beg to differ after seeing this exhibition that closed the VMAs. First of all, PULL YOUR DAMN PANTS UP! I find it disturbing that grown ass men (and I use that term as loosely as a prostitute’s vagina) walk around with their pants practically down to their ankles, exposing their BVD’s, Calvin Klein’s, etc. to the world. Of course, the camera would pan out to the crowd & catch none other than the steroid slamming, Xenadrine promoting Ronnie from the Jersey Shore acting like the poser that he is, all giddy with excitement jamming to Wayne’s horrifying performance while sitting on top of some guys shoulders. I won’t even say it because I know we’re all thinking it! Anyway, as if Weezy didn’t make enough of an ass of himself, he proceeded to pick up a guitar; fake played a few riffs on it & then slammed the poor guitar on the stage as if he was Jimi Hendrix or Keith Richards. That was the grand finale?!? It’s not like I was expecting greatness from Lil’ Wayne, but damn, at least end the show with something just a wee bit more magnificent than that garbage. I sat there, alone, in my room stunned at what I had just witnessed. I felt as if I had just been taken for a ride on that crazy boat from Willy Wonka & the same words Mr. Wonka eerily chanted couldn’t have been any truer for this hot mess of a show: “There’s no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going”. I don’t think MTV knew either ….  

My how the tides have changed for the University of Miami and all due to the steamy allegations from one federal convict, Ponzi scheming Nevin Shapiro!! The charges include many of UM’s staff and current and former players, ouch. Shapiro lived a lifestyle that seemed to be all smoke and mirrors, yet he had a $6 million home on the prominent North Bay Road in Miami Beach, delved out extravagant gifts to athletes and other high profile figures & managed to pocket about $35 million from the Ponzi scheme (dating back to 2005) that he constructed, which was in excess of $880 million. Shapiro had everyone in his back pocket!! He was the big man on campus, was highly sought out by most of the players to hang out with, befriended D Wade and partied on his yacht, was invited to Shaq’s birthday party, and even went so far as to pay for an abortion after one of the UM players impregnated a young lady, yeah super classy! The University of Miami even named a student-athlete lounge after him, which shows you the level at which this man was operating. In an exclusive interview he did with CBS4’s Jim Berry, Shapiro made claims of being hurt by the treatment of the players he once thought of as friends, even some as family, since he felt like he played a father figure role to some of the athletes. Really? This guy has a very skewed version of family/father because I hardly think footing the bill for booze fueled nights out on town, strippers, lavish gifts, and abortions constitutes being a good friend, father, or family member. That’s called: they used you for your money and connections. Just because YOU construed your actions as being a “friend” doesn’t mean they were or that anyone involved felt the same way.

Shapiro’s lawyer, Maria Elena Perez, made some ludicrous statements in that Shapiro “thought this was standard operating procedure” and that “Nevin would rather be known as the guy who established standards and procedures to prevent future people like him from being able to penetrate a school.” What a crock! Somehow I just can’t seem to swallow that line of shit since this man has built his entire life off of swindling people and, since misery loves company, he’s trying to level everyone around him and shut down the program at the U. He claims that he can sleep peaceful at night, but I can only imagine that’s because he’s satisfied that he’s ruined more people’s lives, including his own since he was handed a 20 year sentence for his financial fraud. This loser asserts that he has a “tsunami” of information that’s going to bring the house down. Why now? Why all these years later? Because he’s a pathetic, poor excuse of a man who can’t just take his lumps and do his time.

In the words of the late, great Notorious B.I.G., “Why blow up my spot ‘cuz we both got caught?!?”

It seems, to me, that a lot of DJ’s & producers have become increasingly greedy as it relates to “sharing” music. Living in such a digital & cyber world, it baffles the mind as to how some people are still caught up with hoarding music. Some just want to be that one-upper type of kid who sits on a song, refusing to let you have it because they heard it first (yeah, we’ve all known a person or two like this at some point in our lives … if you don’t, then you just might be that person!). Or there’s the type who says that they are waiting to unveil it at their next gig. Newsflash: If the song is out then it’s already been debut!! Then there are the ones who are holding out in the hopes that they’ll cash in on their homemade ditty. I’ve heard countless complaints from many up & coming, and even some of the better known local DJ’s, about how they want to make that oh-so-coveted dollar on the track that they’ve produced, remixed, mashed-up, etc. But the reality is that if you ain’t Afrojack, Deadmau5, or Kaskade, chances are you’re gonna have to take that turtle mode approach to actually making any kind of real money for said song! I believe that the focus should be on getting your song out there to the masses where it can possibly land in the hands (or hard drives) of the national & global top dog DJ’s in this industry, who, invariably, have access to thousands & thousands of music lovers, consumers, & your potential fans.

Let’s be honest here, unless you’re Erick Morillo (flying on private jets between NY, Miami, Ibiza), Armand Van Helden, Carl Cox … you get my point … chances are you’re not going to get paid anywhere near the price that you think is fair for your beloved work of art, so it begs the question of why can’t some of these DJ’s/Producers just quit their bitchin’, be happy with the $0.99 - $3.99 that they can possibly hustle for their track on the plethora of EDM websites that are out there for people to purchase music from & start playing nice in this big ass sandbox?? The more DJ’s that are playing your song {singing: “They’re playing our song, don’t you hear the music?!?”} the more exposure you have & isn’t that, after all, the main objective & the reason why you do what you do?  

Anyway, we all know that the real money is in the gigs you get paid for, that is if you aren’t one of the many out there who DJ solely for drinks, status, etc. (that’s a whole other blog so, for now, I digress!!). Also, the more your tune is out there, in rotation, the greater the potential that a prominent DJ/Producer will want to collaborate with you on a project or that you’ll get picked up by an agent. It only takes one hit to make it big in this ever-growing, at times fickle, immensely saturated, cesspool EDM industry.

This little lady thinks that that big purple dinosaur might not have been too far off the mark when he instilled the “sharing is caring” value into our children, but I think a more appropriate quote comes from the movie Almost Famous, cleverly delivered by the ingenious Phillip Seymour Hoffman: “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.” Aww snap, I heard that Lester Bangs!!! :)

Okay, so here is what I think were the most riveting and intriguing facts that I learned about Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott:

§         At the age of 8 she was sexually abused by a cousin, almost daily, for about a year.

 §         Her mother was the victim of spousal abuse and at the age of 14 she witnessed the abuse escalate to the point that her father pulled out a gun and was threatening to kill her mother. That’s when her mother finally had enough and left. At that time, Elliott was always writing, singing, and making music with whatever she could and she vowed to become famous so she could give her mother the life she deserved. They grew up very poor and, at times, didn’t even have running water.

 §         While in high school, Missy formed an all girl, hip-hop inspired, R&B group called Fayze, which was later changed to Sista after they signed with DeVante Swing of Jodeci. They actually talked their way into the backstage at one of Jodeci’s concerts, were dressed like the girl version of Jodeci & performed on the spot … ah, the good ol’ days of when things like that could actually happen!!

 §         Elliott was voted Class Clown of her high school.

 §          She met Tim Mosley (Timbaland) and Melvin Barcliff (Magoo) when she was 18, which cemented their musical bond for life. Side Note: Did you know that when Timbaland was 15 he was shot, became partially paralyzed for 9 months and spent that time learning how to DJ with his left hand?!? Now that’s motivation!

 §         Magoo coined her with the name “Misdemeanor” because he said “you can write, rap, & sing…that should be a felony!” Or misdemeanor… :)

 §          In 1993 Missy wrote, produced, and rapped in a song she did for Raven Symone called ”That’s What Little Girls Are Made Of”, but in the video they featured a light skinned, slim woman doing Missy’s rap portion (just like C&C Music Factory did with Martha Washington!). That’s when she realized that they were giving the big girls no love in this industry and that’s when she made the conscious choice to bust down those walls.

§          After getting out of from under DeVante Swing’s somewhat tyrannical grip, she was approached by the CEO, Sylvia Rhone, of Elektra Records who invited her to create her own label (The Goldmind, Inc.), but only after she released her solo album. And so was born Supa Dupa Fly!

 §        Missy and Timbaland went on to write and produce tracks for groups such as SWV, 702, Total, Destiny’s Child and, most notably, Aaliyah, who later became an integral, inseparable part of their group.

 §        Misdemeanor won her first Grammy for the track “Lady Marmalade”, which she did for the movie Moulin Rouge!

§         After 6 studio albums, losing one her closest friends, Aaliyah, and shedding some lb’s for her health (doctors were telling her that she could have a stroke at any moment & while she felt comfortable at her size she was scared of dying), the star was hit with some devastating news in 2008. Missy has been secretly battling Graves’ Disease for 3 years now. It’s a disease that taxes your autoimmune system and thyroid. She reportedly said that it has taken a toll on her mentally as well since she’s had to deal with mood swing and hair loss while undergoing radiation therapy for hyperthyroidism. There is no known cure for Graves’ Disease, but if caught early enough there is a better chance of controlling it.

As everyone said through out the special, Missy Elliott changed the face of music, whether you like it or not. While she may not be the most prolific female lyricist of our time she always maintained a sense of fun and sassiness with her music, and not to mention the groundbreaking beats and videos she supplied us with for all those years. MC Lyte compared her videos to that of Michael Jackson. She said,  “You wait for a Missy Elliott video to come out because you want to see what she’s going to do next.” Um, don’t quote me on that quote, but it something along those lines (my eyes were getting heavy at that point since it was almost 1am).

So, by now, I’m sure that you’ve guessed that I’m anxiously waiting for her new album, Block Party, to drop this year because after 6 years of a hiatus I feel (like Sam Cooke said) ”it’s been a long, a long time coming. But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.”

For those that know me, you know that this little lady can party like no other. In fact, if there was a degree in partying I would certainly hold a Ph.D, which brings me to the topic of this particular day. Let me start by saying that every single time I venture out to a place called LIV (http://www.livnightclub.com/) it never, ever disappoints. I still can’t get over the nose hair vibrating bass that seems to consume every fiber of my body as I plant my butt on the upper half of the VIP couch. It’s truly the best seat in the house!

All that aside, I’m really writing to convey my somewhat dismay about last night & the lack of attention to detail some of the DJ’s seemed to have. The beginning of the night started off with a DJ competition being hosted by Red Bull (Thre3style), which featured, what they called, 7 of Miami’s “best” DJ’s, in which they had 15 minutes to mix three different genres of music & win over the judges & the crowd. I would like to know who “hand picked” these DJ’s & who the judges were. In all fairness, I only caught the last 3 minutes of DJ Epps’ set, which was pretty damn good, & then I had the horrific displeasure of being subjected to Rob Dinero’s set, which was nothing short of some Ritalin addled adolescent who was handed some equipment & music. His lackluster performance was tragically sad, but DJ Epps is a hard act to follow. I mean the dude (DJ Epps) even had one of his hype men put on a white, hooded coat with his name bedazzled on the back at the end of his set! Done like a true champion, if not a bit pretentious, but hey … he won the contest so I guess he knew what he was doing. He now advances on to the national finals being held in Las Vegas later this year. These were the “best” DJ’s of Miami who competed:

• DJ Epps
• DJ Entice
• DJ Johnny the Boy
• DJ Jessica Who
• DJ Rob Dinero
• DJ Billy Gotti
• DJ A-Train

Anywho, those are not the DJ’s I really came to talk about. The opening DJ for Z-Trip was, I believe, Mick Boogie, who did a fairly decent job of transitioning everyone into the start of the real night. DJ Z-Trip was certainly entertaining, but, as my husband so eloquently stated, “he played as if we were a bunch of tourist who don’t know good music.” He played a lot of old school hip hop (Hip Hop Hooray, Next Episode, Ain’t No Fun, etc.), but you can hear those songs at any other club on any other given night. It’s not like he played some tricked out remixes of those songs either, which would’ve been hella cool. Oh, and THEN he teased us with Robin S.’s ”Show Me Love” & had the audacity to not even play the damn track!! WHAT?!? Who does that? He missed an opportunity to have the entire club singing along to one of the greatest freestyle-esque songs. The only real highlight of his set was some dub step beat he mixed with “I Gotta Feeling”.

I was less than impressed by the musical stylings since they all kept it minimally safe with a very commercial blend of hip-hop, pop & house &, to top it all off, I think every single DJ played some sort of version of “Give Me Everything”. Seriously?!? I feel that as a DJ your JOB is to play to your crowd & to certainly listen to the dude (or dudette) who’s going on before you! I know for a fact that I heard at least 3 different songs played more than once in a time span of 2 hours. The nit-picking Virgo in me had her panties in a bunch, but more so because I feel as if I was cheated out of a good musical journey. I take my music experience seriously & I want to be swept away & captivated by the music maestro (aka DJ). I guess I just feel that if you’re spinning at a caliber of a club such as LIV that you should always bring your A game & not just be sub-par. Not for anything, but my husband throws down way better sets on any of his given weekly mixes. Maybe my opinion is biased, but I know good shit when I hear it.

And that, ladies & gents, is my pensamiento’s a centavos (penny thoughts, for my gringo friends!)

One of my very sinfully guilty pleasures in life is watching reality TV and Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew is always in my watch rotation of reality shows! During the season premiere of season 5 Jeremy Jackson, better known as Hobie from Baywatch (the Hoff’s son), had this very odd & ignorant conversation with the resident tech Shelly upon his intake. It went a little something like this:

Shelly: What about bottled water? Are you okay with bottled water?

Jeremy: I…um… You know, in a pinch.

Shelly: In a pinch? What do you mean? What’s wrong with bottled water?
Jeremy: That plastic bleaches and causes cancer. And, uh, bisexuality it’s been linked to directly
Shelly: Minerals in water….
Jeremy: Yeah.
Shelly: Causes bisexuality?
Jeremy: Yeah, it’s been linked anyway.

Coming from a former meth addict turned steroid taking maniac, I hardly think he’s in any position to be making such outrageous pseduo-scientific claims about anything, much less homophobic slurs about plastic water bottles. Hobie, just because you had ass sex with a water bottle during one of your meth fueled orgy’s doesn’t make you bisexual…m’kay?!? A bit of a freak maybe, but not necessarily full on gay.

I can’t wait to see what other little nuggets o’ facts he’s gonna bestow upon us this season, but this one was definitely a great start!

With Father’s Day just around the corner I’m sure everyone is feeling the stress to not only find a great gift, but also one you can afford. So what happens when you have multiple gifts to buy for all the Father’s in your life??? Given the current economic status, the perpetual rise in gas prices & the budget slaughter that occurs at the grocery store, is it okay to only get a gift for your actual Father & your spouse? Or should you just keep it really simple & only get something for your Dad?

My motto is that it ain’t a gift if you haven’t got it to give. I’m not the type who feels obligated to buy everyone gifts for every single holiday, etc. I happen to have a very large combined family so gift giving can get very expensive! If I have the funds available to do so, I do it & if I don’t, well then I just don’t. Sometimes it can get awkward when you show up on holidays & someone has given you a gift, but you have nothing in return. In these times you have to remind yourself that they wanted to & had the means to give you a gift & I feel a return gift should never be expected, but appreciated it if it’s forthcoming. Simply say thank you & don’t give excuses as to why you have nothing for them. That would seem ungracious.

Often times we forget the real importance of holidays & birthdays, which is to celebrate & be with family. Somehow we’ve been programmed to believe that every single occassion has to be marked with a gift of some sort. I believe that once you reach the age of 18, ahem…adult status, that gift giving should be optional & not a pre-requisite. But, let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a beautiful, shiny, wrapped gift…bow & all? 

With such a rainy weekend on tap it was the perfect time to kick back and watch a bunch of movies, which is exactly what this “Little Lady” and her 3 boys did!

We started our movie adventure off right with X-Men: First Class. You don’t have to be a fan of Marvel comics or have followed the other movies of X-Men to enjoy this flick. This movie gives you a glimpse into how it all started and how Professor X (Charles Xavier) and Magneto (Erik Lensherr) discovered their powers for the first time and basically gather up other mutants to help stop “the greatest threat the world has ever known.” Action packed from beginning to end and I must say that almost all of the actors are pretty darn easy on the eyes too (yay for eye candy!!). Also, Kevin Bacon steals the show, once again, as the ultimate villain. I don’t want to give away any pieces of this movie because it’s that good, which is why I kept my review vague, but if you haven’t seen it yet, do yourself a favor and GO WATCH IT ALREADY!

Next we watched Paul, at the insistence of my son and, at first, I was skeptical, but ended up really liking this movie. The lead characters, Simon Pegg & Nick Frost (from Shaun of the Dead & Hot Fuzz) team up again, but this time as nerdy comic book enthusiasts who decide to take a tour, while on holiday, of all the alien hot spots in the U.S. after their visit to Comic Con. On their way they stumble upon a smart ass alien (voiced by Seth Rogen) named Paul who has finally realized that he has been taken prisoner for the past 60 years & has decided to escape the top-secret military base at which he’s been being held. And so ensues the chase from federal agents and the bible thumping father of a woman they accidentally kidnapped at an RV camp site, all while they are just trying to get Paul back to his mother ship! If you appreciate raunchy & slapstick humor then you’re gonna love this movie. I totally suggest it for a first date since you’ll be able to share a laugh & take the edge off those first date jitters.

Lastly, the Mr. and I finished our lazy Sunday with the movie Sanctum. I liked the unpredictability of this film and the Aussie attitude a few of the actors had. It’s basically a team of cave divers that are exploring one of the least accessible cave systems ever found, but alas they are met with a major challenge when a sudden tropical system decides to hit the island earlier than anticipated and it leaves the explorers no time to get out of the cave, thus creating the adventure of survival of the fittest…and smartest. I took a secret pleasure in watching the only female, Victoria, die because she was such an ‘effin know-it-all, who really didn’t know shit & her stupidity was her ultimate demise. You’ll understand what I’m talking about if you watch the movie & I’m sure you’ll agree with me. Aside from that, I thought it was a great movie with lots of action, suspense and even humor.

All in all, our family had a very successful movie watching experience this weekend & all from the comfort of our California King bed…life doesn’t get much better than that people!!

lickypickysticky:

hungryipod:

Spank Rock reveals his latest single titled “Energy”, which is taken from his latest LP effort coming this fall. You can definitely hear that the electro rapper is switching gear sound wise. The track is produced by Boys Noize. Stream the track and grab it below.